As ideas came and went for making a living I found myself slowly adapting to this new life against all the odds and in the face of friends and family thinking I am utterly crazy not to return home but to do so simply didn't feel right for me. If there is anything i had learnt even by this time, it was to do what feels right no matter how hard or foolish it sounds - the feeling is far more reliable, I have found, than left brain driven "reasons" with their hidden agenda for safety and inertia.
Stranger Faces
Sat in a corner window overlooking the central street of the old city in Chiang Mai at its busiest time of the week, Sunday evening’s street market, I see the many faces that come to pick and choose the many colourful gifts that will soon adorn homes across the globe as their adventure ends and they return to their daily life at home. For me, though ‘farang’ (Western), I am now home, truly home, as my heart has chosen this to the exclusion of the land that saw me grow into what I have now become, a writer and adventurer for whom fear no longer acts as a deterrent for action.
Those many faces from all walks of life and many cultures will largely return to the safety of their existence in their own home countries, their own nurturing society, never to experience the challenges of rebirth in a foreign land, naked, divested of all familiar vestiges of a former life. As I struggle through this period of initial acclimatisation, I could almost envy the easy way home that many will follow, yet in reality nothing but nothing would have me short-change my heart and soul on what they have chosen and now enjoy more than endure.
Understanding this helps me celebrate my achievements to date: the gradual adjustment to this colourful yet sometimes unforgiving land; the eager absorption of a new culture; the slightly self-conscious attempts to speak a sometimes musical, sometimes harsh sounding tongue; the determination to make a life for myself in the face of any and all adversity. And as I receive my first draft brochure that will hopefully allow me to begin to make a living here, I feel proud, exhilarated, anxious and, above all, at home.
Sunday, 16 November 2008
Friday, 14 November 2008
The Onset of Winter of the Spirit
The journey seemed to step up a notch once I arrived in Thailand. Facing so many changes, so many challenges, my self esteem could only go one of two ways! My greatest challenge was money to live on. I had had to borrow money from a friend to get here and survive for the first few months. I struggled to set up a greetings card business under the Sanitara brand which was created during a meditation here in Thailand. That business has had stops and starts throughout the two-year period due to a lack of funds to get it off the ground, fund product development and find sales channels. However, on the positive side, it now has a comprehensive portfolio of cards designed to "lift the spirit", some designs of which called upon me to give up old prejudice about who I was and rise above them to produce simple but attractive designs consistent with the wording.
The Onset of Winter of the Spirit
It is as if the forthcoming winter and the imminent drying up of money have conspired to bring my usual positive mind to ground. The resultant effect on my body and spirit has been to lower my energy considerably (causing a cold and a multitude of other minor discomforts) and to obscure the signals from within, the source that normally lights my every step. With a heavy heart I let fear crush my otherwise strong spirit and, in so doing, everything is agonising. No wonder then that my body has become a tainted canvas spotted with bruises and cracks that betray the pain within. In these dark days, old familiar doubts are resurrected, questioning my ability to “prove my worth” or even to provide a basic living for myself.
On moving to a new home with my new partner, I allow these now fermented doubts to surface, with tears of humiliation and apprehension. Purchases of basic needs serve only to deepen the pain and self pity that are normally alien in my freshly restored heart. Yet these thoughts, these doubts, these fears are no more real now that when first they were created by a far younger me lacking the wisdom to distinguish truth from illusion. Can it really be that I am so worthless that I cannot survive? Or rather, better I see the folly in such dark fears and, reassured by the recognition of the illusion, I take action in the belief that if I can rise above myself and my dark nightmares I can create whatever I want for myself in the fullness of time. Guided by the light to this re-awakened truth, I set about a plan of action for short-term survival and long term abundance. Or as the light within me said: be in action.
And within 24 hours of this shift in perspective, money for the reality I choose to create (a trip to Bangkok by plane, not bus, and staying in my usual 5-star hotel) came to me out of the blue when an old business associate offered me commission on work undertaken for a client I introduced to him. In fact, he went further and added more in gratitude for my help in setting up his business some years ago. In trust and action, so I create my reality, a reality that includes abundance.
The Onset of Winter of the Spirit
It is as if the forthcoming winter and the imminent drying up of money have conspired to bring my usual positive mind to ground. The resultant effect on my body and spirit has been to lower my energy considerably (causing a cold and a multitude of other minor discomforts) and to obscure the signals from within, the source that normally lights my every step. With a heavy heart I let fear crush my otherwise strong spirit and, in so doing, everything is agonising. No wonder then that my body has become a tainted canvas spotted with bruises and cracks that betray the pain within. In these dark days, old familiar doubts are resurrected, questioning my ability to “prove my worth” or even to provide a basic living for myself.
On moving to a new home with my new partner, I allow these now fermented doubts to surface, with tears of humiliation and apprehension. Purchases of basic needs serve only to deepen the pain and self pity that are normally alien in my freshly restored heart. Yet these thoughts, these doubts, these fears are no more real now that when first they were created by a far younger me lacking the wisdom to distinguish truth from illusion. Can it really be that I am so worthless that I cannot survive? Or rather, better I see the folly in such dark fears and, reassured by the recognition of the illusion, I take action in the belief that if I can rise above myself and my dark nightmares I can create whatever I want for myself in the fullness of time. Guided by the light to this re-awakened truth, I set about a plan of action for short-term survival and long term abundance. Or as the light within me said: be in action.
And within 24 hours of this shift in perspective, money for the reality I choose to create (a trip to Bangkok by plane, not bus, and staying in my usual 5-star hotel) came to me out of the blue when an old business associate offered me commission on work undertaken for a client I introduced to him. In fact, he went further and added more in gratitude for my help in setting up his business some years ago. In trust and action, so I create my reality, a reality that includes abundance.
Tuesday, 28 October 2008
Addicted to Love
This is the first of the pieces I am including in my blog archive that was written after I left the UK for good to live in Chiang Mai Thailand. I came expecting to reunite with my former partner but it never happened yet something felt right about being here and so I stayed. Alone, rejected and having lost out on £50,000 the day I left the UK, the money I had hoped to start a new life with in Thailand, I wrote this piece only hours before the universe brought me my new partner whom the universe had forecast and offered to me as a choice only 2 weeks earlier. That the promise of the universe was so soon fulfilled is something for which I shall be eternally grateful - it turned out to be the only thing that seemed to work out here for nearly two challenging years!
Addicted to Love
I am now at the end of a painful four or five days when I felt as though I had taken a massive backward step on my journey: it started with just feeling lonely, vulnerable and somewhat emotional over seemingly small things. I found myself craving company which often ended in a more base satisfaction. Then as the pain built up inside, things came to a head when I sprained my ankle one evening: my pain now expressed vividly in my outer reality, I was gutted by the pain, whimpering yet also angry at the tourist who just watched as I writhed in pain and could barely walk.
Like a young child, I expected some comfort, some words of support and sympathy from anyone I may come across, but it never came. I hobbled along uneven streets and eventually found myself a ‘tuk tuk’ home. A sympathetic driver showed me what seemed to me to be appropriate concern and I slowly made my way to my room and as I collapsed on my bed I cried with pain and self pity like a neglected baby deserted by his mother!
Then, alone in my room, a new friend finally calls in response to my text, only to all but ignore my upset and to whinge about his family. Frustrated by his apparent lack of care (which was not the case in fact), I later berated him for his inability to satisfy my need for comfort.
The next day, still unable to walk, I asked friends for specific help (advice on treatment and transport to a pharmacy, etc) and I was well provided for but still felt a deep longing for loving comfort, feeling rather emotional and weak. Another day passed, my ankle now somewhat better, my awareness of its role in my life (the literal physical expression of my fear of not being able to support myself) acknowledged and now rewarded by clarity as to my future source of income, I still felt weak and alone.
Slowly it dawned on me that this feeling was an old one, probably one experienced by many of us. In my case, it went back to an incident at two years of age: my mother temporarily out of sight, I fall, grazing arms and legs most painfully and as I cry in pain, seeking the comfort of my mother’s arms, she is not there at first. She then appears and hugs me, “There, there”, she says holding me tightly, love and sympathy oozing from every pore. So, I decide I need her love and comfort when I am in pain, to make me feel better, to make everything alright. All well and good but now I see this made me feel needy. No wonder I have felt and behaved like a young child for days!
This new awakening filled me with compassion for myself, since it is so commonplace and understandable, yet so debilitating. I realise it makes me dependent on other people. This neediness can never be satisfied and creates a destructive tension in any relationship. Suddenly, I feel at peace again, no longer upset about being alone and scared, trusting the universe once again to fulfil my every need, free then to enjoy those around me without expectation. So, in self awareness and forgiveness, I find freedom and happiness even in the face of my fairly extreme circumstances.
Addicted to Love
I am now at the end of a painful four or five days when I felt as though I had taken a massive backward step on my journey: it started with just feeling lonely, vulnerable and somewhat emotional over seemingly small things. I found myself craving company which often ended in a more base satisfaction. Then as the pain built up inside, things came to a head when I sprained my ankle one evening: my pain now expressed vividly in my outer reality, I was gutted by the pain, whimpering yet also angry at the tourist who just watched as I writhed in pain and could barely walk.
Like a young child, I expected some comfort, some words of support and sympathy from anyone I may come across, but it never came. I hobbled along uneven streets and eventually found myself a ‘tuk tuk’ home. A sympathetic driver showed me what seemed to me to be appropriate concern and I slowly made my way to my room and as I collapsed on my bed I cried with pain and self pity like a neglected baby deserted by his mother!
Then, alone in my room, a new friend finally calls in response to my text, only to all but ignore my upset and to whinge about his family. Frustrated by his apparent lack of care (which was not the case in fact), I later berated him for his inability to satisfy my need for comfort.
The next day, still unable to walk, I asked friends for specific help (advice on treatment and transport to a pharmacy, etc) and I was well provided for but still felt a deep longing for loving comfort, feeling rather emotional and weak. Another day passed, my ankle now somewhat better, my awareness of its role in my life (the literal physical expression of my fear of not being able to support myself) acknowledged and now rewarded by clarity as to my future source of income, I still felt weak and alone.
Slowly it dawned on me that this feeling was an old one, probably one experienced by many of us. In my case, it went back to an incident at two years of age: my mother temporarily out of sight, I fall, grazing arms and legs most painfully and as I cry in pain, seeking the comfort of my mother’s arms, she is not there at first. She then appears and hugs me, “There, there”, she says holding me tightly, love and sympathy oozing from every pore. So, I decide I need her love and comfort when I am in pain, to make me feel better, to make everything alright. All well and good but now I see this made me feel needy. No wonder I have felt and behaved like a young child for days!
This new awakening filled me with compassion for myself, since it is so commonplace and understandable, yet so debilitating. I realise it makes me dependent on other people. This neediness can never be satisfied and creates a destructive tension in any relationship. Suddenly, I feel at peace again, no longer upset about being alone and scared, trusting the universe once again to fulfil my every need, free then to enjoy those around me without expectation. So, in self awareness and forgiveness, I find freedom and happiness even in the face of my fairly extreme circumstances.
Monday, 11 February 2008
A Beggar's Existence
As I improved at weeding out hidden meanings I had given to past events that were dictating my reaction to things decades later (as humans do!), I became gradually freer and happier, almost by the day. Sure, there were and still are occasional set backs but usually it just keeps getting better, each set back offering yet another chance to get closer to the truth and strip away the lies from the past. Ever-increasing self awareness was bringing me inner peace, freedom and joy.
A Beggar's Existence
As I walked past a man selling a magazine to support the homeless, I noticed how his tone of voice was plaintiff, almost begging for people to buy the magazine out of pity rather than for its inherent value. How interesting, I thought. What can I learn from this about what I am looking at in my life; my willingness (or otherwise) to receive love and money.
As I thought it through, seeing that this man's mindset was of an unworthy beggar, he behaved consistent with it, whereas if he believed in his value and the value of what he was selling, his entire demeanour would have been different: upbeat, confident. My first thought therefore was that I too am reinforcing negative thought patterns derived from things that happened in my childhood. But in a flash I then saw that the lesson from this subtle message from the Universe is more literal even than that; that I beg for snippets of love and money everywhere in life, my hidden fear being that I am not really worthy of love or money, so of course I have to beg for it!
As I reflected on what must seem ridiculous to those who know me, the recognition of my deeply buried emotions brings tears to my eyes, freeing my burdened heart of this debilitating self doubt and allowing myself to receive love and money in abundance.
Since this gift of self awareness was opened by me with obvious relish, still another message was given to me through someone to whom I read a love poem: he said I should send it to my beloved who is still not speaking to me and my response confirmed the healing my heart had undergone "I will not beg for love from anyone" and in an instant I saw this was a test for this new-found awakening within my heart.
Thank you, God, thank you!
A Beggar's Existence
As I walked past a man selling a magazine to support the homeless, I noticed how his tone of voice was plaintiff, almost begging for people to buy the magazine out of pity rather than for its inherent value. How interesting, I thought. What can I learn from this about what I am looking at in my life; my willingness (or otherwise) to receive love and money.
As I thought it through, seeing that this man's mindset was of an unworthy beggar, he behaved consistent with it, whereas if he believed in his value and the value of what he was selling, his entire demeanour would have been different: upbeat, confident. My first thought therefore was that I too am reinforcing negative thought patterns derived from things that happened in my childhood. But in a flash I then saw that the lesson from this subtle message from the Universe is more literal even than that; that I beg for snippets of love and money everywhere in life, my hidden fear being that I am not really worthy of love or money, so of course I have to beg for it!
As I reflected on what must seem ridiculous to those who know me, the recognition of my deeply buried emotions brings tears to my eyes, freeing my burdened heart of this debilitating self doubt and allowing myself to receive love and money in abundance.
Since this gift of self awareness was opened by me with obvious relish, still another message was given to me through someone to whom I read a love poem: he said I should send it to my beloved who is still not speaking to me and my response confirmed the healing my heart had undergone "I will not beg for love from anyone" and in an instant I saw this was a test for this new-found awakening within my heart.
Thank you, God, thank you!
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