This is the first of the pieces I am including in my blog archive that was written after I left the UK for good to live in Chiang Mai Thailand. I came expecting to reunite with my former partner but it never happened yet something felt right about being here and so I stayed. Alone, rejected and having lost out on £50,000 the day I left the UK, the money I had hoped to start a new life with in Thailand, I wrote this piece only hours before the universe brought me my new partner whom the universe had forecast and offered to me as a choice only 2 weeks earlier. That the promise of the universe was so soon fulfilled is something for which I shall be eternally grateful - it turned out to be the only thing that seemed to work out here for nearly two challenging years!
Addicted to Love
I am now at the end of a painful four or five days when I felt as though I had taken a massive backward step on my journey: it started with just feeling lonely, vulnerable and somewhat emotional over seemingly small things. I found myself craving company which often ended in a more base satisfaction. Then as the pain built up inside, things came to a head when I sprained my ankle one evening: my pain now expressed vividly in my outer reality, I was gutted by the pain, whimpering yet also angry at the tourist who just watched as I writhed in pain and could barely walk.
Like a young child, I expected some comfort, some words of support and sympathy from anyone I may come across, but it never came. I hobbled along uneven streets and eventually found myself a ‘tuk tuk’ home. A sympathetic driver showed me what seemed to me to be appropriate concern and I slowly made my way to my room and as I collapsed on my bed I cried with pain and self pity like a neglected baby deserted by his mother!
Then, alone in my room, a new friend finally calls in response to my text, only to all but ignore my upset and to whinge about his family. Frustrated by his apparent lack of care (which was not the case in fact), I later berated him for his inability to satisfy my need for comfort.
The next day, still unable to walk, I asked friends for specific help (advice on treatment and transport to a pharmacy, etc) and I was well provided for but still felt a deep longing for loving comfort, feeling rather emotional and weak. Another day passed, my ankle now somewhat better, my awareness of its role in my life (the literal physical expression of my fear of not being able to support myself) acknowledged and now rewarded by clarity as to my future source of income, I still felt weak and alone.
Slowly it dawned on me that this feeling was an old one, probably one experienced by many of us. In my case, it went back to an incident at two years of age: my mother temporarily out of sight, I fall, grazing arms and legs most painfully and as I cry in pain, seeking the comfort of my mother’s arms, she is not there at first. She then appears and hugs me, “There, there”, she says holding me tightly, love and sympathy oozing from every pore. So, I decide I need her love and comfort when I am in pain, to make me feel better, to make everything alright. All well and good but now I see this made me feel needy. No wonder I have felt and behaved like a young child for days!
This new awakening filled me with compassion for myself, since it is so commonplace and understandable, yet so debilitating. I realise it makes me dependent on other people. This neediness can never be satisfied and creates a destructive tension in any relationship. Suddenly, I feel at peace again, no longer upset about being alone and scared, trusting the universe once again to fulfil my every need, free then to enjoy those around me without expectation. So, in self awareness and forgiveness, I find freedom and happiness even in the face of my fairly extreme circumstances.
