I see before me a blank page, a welcome friend so rarely visited in recent times as I undergo a metamorphosis from less than to more then most, from fearful and betrayed to bold, then loving and free, a cathartic exercise to relieve my darkest suffering.
No more the old me of yesteryear whose darks chasms were filled with self loathing born of another era when, rejected, forlorn and hopeless, life had no meaning or purpose and every desire remained thwarted by the underlying doubt and insecurity forced upon myself when I decided I was somehow less than I ought to be, a disappointment in the eyes of others. The pain ran so deep and so dark, its veil of reinforced steel thought impenetrable until now when, awakened from deep slumber, I slowly emerge to find my true heart and soul.
Now surfacing from the depths comes much buried pain, all that dark steamy breath suppressed for so long, denied by myself and thereby putrid, out it all pours in doses I can manage and as it does so I am teased with what once was the pain I cried whilst I slept as it gnawed away at me day by day and so on for 47 years of my 52. So painful was it that it was hidden from view even to myself for so long and hence my sudden and rude awakening causing so much pain now. Strange feelings, ugly doubts and fears, strip away all the hope I felt so strongly but 2 months ago.
But I am told all will return and more once the golden light pervades the void where these once dark feelings sought refuge. For now I am curious, uninspired and not at all full of life’s joys as I normally am, these parting feelings excreting their poison on the surface before they leave and die once and for all. I wish I could say I feel the better for it but so far that bonus has yet to be granted to me and I take it all on faith if also sometimes ungraciously as I thrash about in the rough seas of departing sorrows.
