A New Year's Eve Ramble

Once again, a blank sheet before me and nowhere to go, no goal to achieve, no purpose in mind other than the free expression of my true self pouring onto the page before me uncontrolled and with heart-felt passion. So where will you lead me today my lovely inner self, what truths will unfold of the lies untold till now? Will you be mine, true and unlimited or will you withhold yourself until another time and thereby deny your power and grace to all, unseen, hidden, denied, a fraud on the self?

No, I will venture forth and discover what there is to know today, what beauty of revelation exists in simple flow, in letting go of the self in favour of the divine inner me, my own alma mater, my one true friend, myself. Spill it out, spew forth the regurgitated thoughts until they are new and fresh and reborn of I know not what, but reborn they will be anyway, will no end in sight, no purpose, just the quintessentially aimless ramblings of a futile mind and body surrendering to the soul once more.

So, here I am. Take me...for what I am and who I am and be me, the child of a flawless universe, the son of mankind and father of all things, the internal paradox in everything. I am me, all, everything, yet nothing in a vast existence beyond the stars and beyond even the realms of love. Floating aimlessly allows me to see the stars, the world, the universe, the coils sprung deep within life bursting forth in existence that is but transitory, a magical journey as if on drugs but in my case no drug is necessary as I shun pure rigid existence and instead flow within and without, weaving the tapestry of life, neither moaning nor screaming with joy, for in this state there is no point in either state of being, just so, heaven in a state of being beyond feelings, awareness as an observer and nothing more, yet so it is I know myself to be part of the divine order and in surrender to it I am more than I can ever be alone.

So now what...?

Life is Good!

As I caressed the ever-diminishing remains of my “laughing Buddha” styled tummy, I felt a new love and closeness with my body, a strong urge to treat it as it deserves, with love and respect always. So long has it suffered my excesses, stresses and challenges, now is an awakening to the that part of me, the whole me, that has so sorely been neglected at times, the vehicle of this wonderful incarnation.

Then a short time later I took Lucky (my dog) out for a lunchtime walk and as I passed a neighbour a street away, he smiled and exchanged brief pleasantries in typical Thai style and as I left him I pondered the awareness of the loving way he was painting his front porch and painting pots to match. The colour choices would not have been mine but I saw a light form of love and respect for his home.

So, this second dose of loving respect, this time for an external inanimate object, reminded me of the love I had put into preparing a delicious meal for my partner last night and suddenly, amidst the tripartite experiences of honouring oneself and others and other things with loving respect, I felt a surge of bliss, a sense of wonder at life and the consciousness of love and being at one with everything. It all made sense to me, the love starts with oneself, one’s whole self, mind body and spirit and the more one feels it, the more one heals the lack of it, the greater it is.

Life is good!

Don’t Give Things Up, Just Heal

In the strangest, perhaps most challenging of circumstances on several levels, I find myself truly blissful and indeed excited as I notice myself emerging free of bonds that have tied me for decades, bonds of unnecessary weight and regular alcohol consumption.

The traditional approach to such things is to “give things up” and this creates a tension within the whole self, the mind, body and spirit. The reason the weight and regular beers were there in the first place was to protect me from pain, to give me comfort and numb reality that I secretly perceived as deeply painful; secretly to myself as well, as I had no idea how much pain lay buried deep within my subconsciousness as I went about my life, often smiling even int he face of challenges. But now I face a future of real smiles and peace of mind.

I have prayed for several years to be able to be slim again and not to drink every day as I have, pretty much, for the last 30 years or more, not large amounts all that time but every day without fail for more than 25 of those years!

What I was seeking was, in effect, a healing of the issues that had me feel I needed to be this way and only now do I feel ready to shed this shell I wore to protect me from my heartache. It is a wonderful feeling: having done much work to heal myself and with considerable external help from the forces that help if we ask, this realisation that I am ready has been triggered by the detox diet I am undergoing in which I just don’t miss drinking at all and all I care about is healthy, delicious food, things that honour my body and fill it with energy and a lust for life.

The whole point about this is that doing it this way, healing the underlying causes, it is truly effortless and I have no sense of giving anything up - besides which, I have every intention of enjoying the odd glass of wine or beer, etc. I knew that in order to lead life-changing retreats I should be healed and whole to a level that has shed all addictions and here I am, now ready to receive all that I have been asking for.

I finally see that I am ready to step out into the world, free to yet another level, happy in my skin, yet all of this at a time when some aspects of my life are extremely challenging! What an adventure life is!