Short Steps Ever Forward

(This piece of flow writing sums up an important understanding for me, namely the importance of accepting things, being patient and trusting the universe in the process of personal and spiritual growth. This year has, on the face of it at least, been incredibly slow and challenging with months on end with no income-producing legal consulting or other work and days on end when I just got up, exercised, showered, went to the coffee shop for a couple of hours or walked in nature, planning food for dinner, later going shopping for the food at the market and finally preparing and eating the food, the shower and bed, with TV liberally splattered in between! It may sound good but to someone used to achieving things (even addicted to it), this was a form of living hell for me!

Yet with hindsight it has been perfect, a whole series of priceless, powerful lessons have been learnt in that period, lessons some of which appear in blog entries and some of which will eventually appear in my book (Effective Use of the "C" Word ... the Power of Commitment). Indeed, it culminated in a flash of guidance and inspiration that led to this blog and will soon expand into much more. It just shows what is possible when patience and faith are combined (well, most of the time!))

Short Steps Ever Forward

One step. … a long pause … another small step. Slow, slow, slow, calm, at ease, with poise and patience I move inexorably forward. Between steps, in a long pause, I can forgive myself for thinking I am not progressing, for forgetting that the pauses are as much a part of the progress because they too are a step forward in allowing things to sink in and take root, either to allow time for changes to be accepted or mastered or to set the scene for the next stage of the journey.

So, in reality, slow or quick, the change is constant and inside a commitment to do so for the best, any step, even one seemingly in retrograde, is really a step forward.

Bliss in Adversity

I feel glorious today: still “financially constrained” and facing my concerns for my dear brother which is about to go in for emergency surgery to remove an aggressive cancerous growth in his mouth, I do what I feel is right in furtherance of that concern, things prompted by an intuitive knowing of the root cause of his illness, then I let go and consciously connect with the universal consciousness, “God”, leaving It to deal with the rest within the generous confines of free will.

Then, making our way to visit my partner’s second cousin, a short journey away into the country, I continue to process thoughts and repeatedly reconnect with the universe and I feel truly blissful, so calm, trusting … yes, just happy! You might think it strange, even wrong, in the circumstances, but happiness and inner peace are “now things”, something available in the face of most things, this state of being is so incredibly powerful and beautiful.

As we wound our way here to our favourite coffee house in the mountains on the back of our motorbike, round bends and up steep inclines, immersed in a myriad vivid greens beneath ominous grey clouds, I revelled in nature and a welcome return to this environment that only serves to boost my good humour and sense of well-being.

Earlier, as I consciously connected with God, I spontaneously spewed out the words “I love you”. It took me by surprise as the words came unplanned, without prior intent, yet on careful retrospection they were indeed heartfelt. What is happening to me? I seem to be becoming happier, more trusting and joyful than ever, all this in the face of some major challenges. Strange that at other times I should feel I am making little progress on my journey of self discovery! This is no mean feat, the balance of mind, body and spirit undoubtedly being the root cause of my own good state of health.

Phew!

Another day in what I can only describe as a sometimes excruciatingly painful period of learning and being tested and today I feel like a student who has just finished an important set of exams, confident in his success. The lesson is a simple one in essence: to trust in the universe in the face of everything, no matter who would otherwise pull you down into the fake drama of everyday life.

I feel so calm, so contented. Any flashes of doubt of fear are swiftly put aside, my attention instead turning to “God within”. My own restfulness or inner peace sometimes contrasts starkly with the mood of my beloved, besieged by fear and anger at our current financial challenges, his occasional good humour swept aside by a wave of pessimism and annoyance in a dark grey cloud that seems to be perpetually hanging over him at the moment. I can only offer help when it is asked for and hope that the light of my good humour will help him in the end.

Reflections on Peace in the Face of Adversity

I am sat in the shade on a warm, humid afternoon, at peace despite a night of fear-invoking dreams and thoughts and fearful mood swings by “my other half” who struggles to cope with his own fears following his recent redundancy. That his fears superficially mirror mine at a time of financial drought is but a further test of my ability to transcend fear and seek refuge in internal harmony and faith in the Universe.

He, however, denies his fears and thereby feeds them, also preventing him from transcending them, reduced to a more than usually moody person, swinging from loving concern for me (probably better aimed at himself!) and dark moods with fear, bad temper and long silences prevailing.

I offer what I can and try to show him what I see, but he is not open to discussion or to acknowledging his fears, so I sooner leave him in peace to deal with it in the best way he can, thereby also protecting myself from being drawn into his negative, fatalistic view of life, no doubt fuelled by a society with strict structures that inhibit true freedom of expression and fulfilment of human potential.

Our journeys may be together yet they differ, there to provide mutual love and comfort as we venture forth, to complement and balance each other at times yet at others to serve to test each other unwittingly but surely, expanding each other’s self awareness and advancement.

This perspective on our relationship helps free me of burdensome expectations, allowing silence and space to soften the edges of the less beautiful interactions between us, acknowledging an overall beauty, however, in the love and freedom we offer each other that of itself unties our hands and allows love to flow more freely, even in the face of sometimes extreme adversity.

“Let Me Take Over”

It was my birthday and over dinner the words “Let me take over” popped up from nowhere in my mind as I contemplated my slightly depressed state and the simple sense and power of the words, which I realise came from the universal consciousness or “God”, slowly sank in, so that by the next day that is precisely what I do. How? By refusing to take part in gainsaying, forecasting and analysing things in a vain attempt to control my world. “Surrender” is another way of putting it and, indeed, I have none of the normal reaction to such a concept (in this context only!) since I trust it will be for my ultimate good, no matter what the outcome may be. I say “I” but I mean that part of me excluding (at least at times) my ego, since it is a simple beast and knows only fear and pleasure and the idea that it cannot control in order to prevent harm or bring pleasure is abhorrent to it, especially after being used to getting its own way for five decades.

It is for this reason that my first port of call after the invitation to surrender to the One is at the door of my ego, having stern words for it but also loving words of reminder of my unerring commitment to live fully and without unnecessary restraint and of my acknowledgement of its important role in my life. Its subsequent relaxation seems to have allowed balance of mind, body and spirit to be restored and today I live simply, following my instincts in doing what feels right in the moment and not rallying or challenging in a forlorn attempt to seek security where no material security exists and metaphysical security, ironically, only exists in surrender, the only source of true happiness and peace of mind.

Treating the ‘whole self’ with love & respect

(from a conversation with my special friend, Flora)

In chatting with Flora about the experience of fear eradication in the context also of the issues with her family, I was explaining that the domain of the ego was fear but that in a balanced and healthy world where fear was not widely used to control people (governments, religions, media, etc), the distortion of the ego would cease and it could re-establish its intended role.

The point is that God (the universal consciousness) knows what it is doing and it didn’t create the ego to be a burden or problem in our lives (our enemy I you like) but it has been given power beyond its needs and purpose in a world riddled with fear.

In my view, we should love and show respect for every part of our being. Doing that results in a need to talk to the ego lovingly, respecting its strengths and purpose and asking for its cooperation where it feels under threat. In engaging with all aspects of my being, all the various shades of mind, body & spirit, I have set a powerful precedent for myself where I do not damn or criticise any part of my being, where all parts are loved, honoured and respected for the contribution they all make to my life.

So it was that facing resistance by my ego to the intended removal of all fear, the weapon of an unloved and unappreciated ego, I spoke with some firmness yet respect for my ego, pointing out that I intended proceeding with the fear removal process and that it could, if it wishes, continue to cause me pain (to whit my headache 3 days ago) and suffering or it could cooperate with my whole self and then be free to do what it does best, namely process things (my friend Peter’s “production manager” concept where the ego is better suited to that role than being chairman of the board, yet it tries to hold onto that role).

I feel strongly that this holistic approach to self love is vital, yet so much modern spirituality makes the ego our enemy, a scapegoat for lives that do not work. Henceforth I refuse to engage in unappreciative banter about my ego or any part of me. Acceptance and self love cannot be partial – it has to be whole.

The outcome of this realisation and the resultant negotiation with my whole self to secure cooperation with the fear removal process was impressive, altering Kwan Yin’s prediction for approximate timing of the process from a few months to just weeks (all time estimates nevertheless to be taken with a pinch of salt and without attachment!). More importantly, I now envisage a time when the ego is performing its original intended role, free from the distorting energy of a world run on fear and loved and respected for its important contribution to our lives, to our journey of self discovery and fulfilment and our quest for happiness.

Fear … the Fall of a Dark Empire

So, how do I feel about the focus of my work on the eradication of fear in my writing and teachings? The answer is that I actually feel just ever so slightly daunted by such a huge task because of what it might entail first to shed my own fears and then extract from the experience the essence to be translated into simple yet powerful tools for others to do the same.

However, such trepidation is far outweighed by the excitement of the prospect of a life free, or virtually free, of fear in which all dark energies are transformed in their deep-rooted caverns within our body and soul, converted from darkness to light, leaving us fundamentally revitalised and rejuvenated, a long, healthy and fulfilled life almost guaranteed compared with the feasibility of such a life when our fears lurk insidiously clouding many a good heart.

How do I feel? Not only excited, privileged and…peaceful, as if the very prospect of shedding fear has, of itself, already brought some healing, some inner peace. Yes, above all, since this latest opportunity was offered to me, I have felt peaceful, hopeful, humbly powerful, knowing I can do anything when fear’s shackles are removed, no longer able to hold me back, leaving the dark forces that use fear to control us are but powerless blasts of hot air that play a futile game in the face of such pure power, the one true power: love.

In fact, on further reflection, what is most exciting is the recollection that fear is love’s antithesis and that, if there was ever to be a ‘cure’ for life’s ills, it is through the free authentic expression of that one truth, love, made possible when its light shines brightly on the dark fears that then simply vanish in its path. This is so universal, so simple yet, in such profound darkness, also a challenge at first.

What moves me as I sit here in a coffee house on a busy Sunday afternoon, scribbling these almost incredible thoughts and looking at all the faces from around the world in search of pleasure, is what may then be possible for the souls whose faces bear the scars of the agony of fear that sometimes cause such ugly distortions of their natural beauty. Can I see a single face that truly bears the peaceful, loving beauty of their true nature? I suspect not. My, this world is so ripe for dramatic transformation and awakening!

Oh God, free me of my fears that I may then do everything in my power to bring it to others, to set them free to find and follow you, you who surround and protect them always yet are denied by most, and to use their unique gifts from you to expand the light still further.

Thank you for this privileged role which you now offer me and which I take on regardless of the changes to the path I follow and without condition, though I ask that if possible I do not suffer with torture, imprisonment or death and that I may stay to witness what, in your name, I help to create, the land of Pan restored, a place where love, hope and trust are the norm and fear but a distant memory, cast to the annals of human history once and for all.

Fast Intoxication

As I get closer to the end of my 14-day detox diet, a form of fasting with both physical and spiritual benefits it seems, I can only describe how I feel as proud, immensely confident in who I am, what I stand for, what I can do and what I will write about in the book I am preparing. It is another world from shortly before I started, that world being one of despondency and impotence in the face of almost total inactivity during which time I struggled day by day to see any point in anything. Now, revitalised by first gaining clarity of my goals for the next six months and then the mental challenge of a total fast (except for water with some lime and sugar cane juice), my ego somewhat chastened by the experience yet still free to do what it does best (facilitate actions to produce what my heart has chosen for itself), I am blissful, almost incredulous when I look back at how I felt some two weeks ago.

The experience of the detox can be likened to running a marathon for the first time: it took commitment and dedication at all times, even in the face of extreme discomfort, and at times I felt like giving up. It was my commitment to myself to be slim, fit and healthy that saw me through. In this way it also mirrors what it takes to fulfil my promise to myself to have the best life possible through a never ending journey of self discovery and growth.

Without the commitment, I might well have given up before even reaching the halfway point. I still have 4 more days to complete and I have no idea what else this interesting test of my commitment may reveal, but all I can say now is that I haven’t felt so happy and confident about myself and my future for a very long time, if ever. In fact, if I felt any happier I think I would fly! Such is the power of commitment to oneself and the fulfilment of one’s potential.

Lessons in the Park 2

(about patience, gratitude and loving kindness)

You could have knocked me over with a feather! A day later and I am finding the detox diet a bit hard: it was not too bad when I first got up, though disappointment at how I looked in the mirror (not as slim as I had hoped) soon set me back. Later, when my partner and I decided to go to our favourite coffee house, all I could drink was plain water while he indulged himself in iced cappuccino and cake, and I found myself slowly dipping into a dark mood and it rapidly escalated on the way home until I was feeling very negative about more than just the diet, feeling almost angry at not being able to have what I wanted and at life and other equally intangible and ridiculous things.

Once home, I did not feel like going to the park for peace and inspiration. Instead, I just stripped off and watched TV but it was boring and my mind wondered. I focused on how I felt – it felt ghastly. Then it struck me that the feeling was very familiar. It was how I felt only last month when I was still enduring a three-month period of almost no work and nothing much else to do other than eat (hence the detox diet). The pain of the frustration was intense, stripping life of a sense of hope and promise but I had learnt that the ego props itself up with activity to establish a semblance of usefulness and worthiness. The feeling today was identical, even though the subject matter appeared to be different. I concluded that my bad mood was simply a recurrence of the thrashings of a frustrated ego, unable to assert its control and have the delights it wants. You might think that it would be content with the plan to look and feel better by means of the detox but, alas, no. This longer term prospect was a little remote compared with the immediate satisfaction of giving in to my cravings.

What astounded me was that the mere recognition of what was really going on, the ego’s refusal to play second fiddle to a heart-felt, soul-driven desire to be fit and healthy, was enough to have its ‘whole pack of cards’ collapse and the bad mood vanished in an instant. It was extraordinary: truly this dramatic change in mood shocked me and lifted me back into a positive frame of mind that had me decide to go to the park after all. The icing on the cake was when my partner looked at me as I was about to get dressed again and asked me “Are you holding your stomach in?”, when in fact I wasn’t and he told me it looked much better. So, I was almost walking on air not two minutes after awakening to the real cause of my mood that so effortlessly vanished, leaving hope and patience in its wake, a sort of blissful state of self achievement.

Lessons in the Park 1

(about patience, gratitude and loving kindness)

I sat in the middle of the park whilst in the middle of a 14-day detox diet, asking myself as I sat there what useful lessons I might take from the sometimes difficult experience involving no solid food at all and only water to which lime juice and either maple syrup or fresh sugar cane juice have been added with a dash of chilli! Now several days into the diet, as I sat pondering in the scorching summer heat in Chiang Mai, I allowed myself to get calm with the positive energy of surrounding nature to help me maximise my quest for the silver lining in the challenging experience, the silver lining beyond the cleansing of my body for health and the considerable weight loss.

What I saw first was that what kept me going in the face of the stringent fasting was first the effect on my health and fitness as I shed accumulated toxins and fat from my now overweight body and the image of me looking slim and fit once more, something that would extend far beyond the detox diet period into a healthy ongoing eating regime. These benefits powerfully supported me, especially when, as an ardent lover of food, saw food everywhere, at home with my partner and out on the streets with the numerous cafes and restaurants here with intoxicatingly tempting smells from exotic foods and fruits.

Secondly, the realisation that I could choose how to feel often helped. If I focused on the food, my inability to have it, the hunger, the absence of regular treats that often provide the main preoccupation of my waking day, I would suffer much more with hunger pangs and, perhaps, the temptation to cheat or even give up on the diet altogether. Sometimes I was tempted, but really it makes little sense and, therefore, my strategy for coping was either to focus on the progress with the diet so far and project it forward, imagining how I would feel once I had regained my ideal weight and fitness, able once again to fit into clothes I miss and feel good in the loyal and hardy vehicle for my soul that I had too often taken for granted.

Further challenge came at night when my regular in-take of alcohol were no longer open to me. That, together with the whole palaver of planning food, buying fresh food from the market, preparing and cooking food and finally eating food made the evenings particularly difficult. Distracting the mind helped (e.g. watching TV, playing computer games, researching this book, etc) but I often found the best way was to stop thinking about it and simply focusing on how I felt and what was around me in the moment, aside from the hunger, of course. The reality was that I felt great – no real pain at all and somewhat slimmer and healthier already. The suffering was largely in my head, born of the ego’s addiction to indulgences of food and drink. After three days, even the minor headaches one often gets with detox diets ended, so I tried to let go and be as patient as possible rather than focusing on how many days of abstinence remain.

Then my quest for insights led to other, more tangential ideas: I wondered what lessons came from this short-term act of self denial born of my commitment to a long, healthy and fulfilled life. Well, the realisation that my sacrifices would bring me very desirable results allowed me to feel grateful for the experience and for the friend who had recommended it to me out of the blue. This gratitude itself engenders positive energy which further reinforces the likelihood of success in achieving the desired outcome and helping avoid the negative energy associated with thinking about the suffering and sacrifice. It also made the whole experience itself more pleasant. Understanding this, I was reminded how important it is to be grateful for whatever stage we are at and whatever we have.

Such gratitude is not about being “good”, it simply rewards you instantly by making you feel happier with your current circumstances, whatever they are, and, though the positive energetic impact, speeding up the process of creating what you desire for yourself. In fact, whether to adopt this approach seems a bit of a “no-brainer”, yet I often allow myself to forget this. Therefore, a regular reminder is useful.

I also wondered whether the extreme complete absence of food could in any way cast useful light on the overcoming poverty. The situation was clearly distinct in that, first, I could choose to end it at any time and in any event the diet is for a limited period and I could resume pretty much whatever level of nutritional abundance I happened to choose. This said, the focus on something to be grateful for, no matter how small or remote, still has the twin benefit of increasing happiness in the moment and in empowering us to transcend our current circumstances through a commitment to do so, a willingness to be open to opportunities and positive energy generated by the gratitude.

As I left the park, I passed someone who looked in my direction to I acknowledged him politely and walked on but received no response. It brought o mind how I tend to react to such situations. I was brought up by my mother to be friendly, even with strangers – she would frequently engage with people when out, whether on the street or in shops. I am like that myself to a large extent, when the mood takes me and I always respond if someone acknowledges me first, even if I wasn’t plan on doing so originally.

When someone doesn’t respond I feel disappointed, even a little annoyed. Yet to do that brings negative energy to me and may even make me feel bad. So it occurred to me that we often do things pout of a misplaced desire to “be good” or “be seen to be good” but if we do it genuinely and unconditionally, then it doesn’t matter if they respond. So, if I find myself feeling that disappointment or annoyance, I have two choices: let my own energy down by my reaction or let it go.

I find the latter helps enormously as I am left with self respect and if I struggle with it, I simply remind myself that that person is in a different space from me and I have no idea what is going on in his or her life and what life experiences have allowed him or her to be that way. I apply this to more than me passing acknowledgements of course, especially to people who have done something positively to annoy me like being rude, driving dangerously or whatever. I find that doing this calms me and often even makes me feel quite splendid.

I also feel that we often feel that the “right behaviour” subconsciously reminds us of childhood feelings we felt “good” or in favour with our parents or carers and “bad” or “naughty” if we realise we have been less than “good” in our response or attitude. The thing is, there is no-one to do this for, no parent to please. It is simply better for ourselves and makes us feel better, so why not do it? We are all human and most of us are prone to less than loving kindness” as an attitude and that’s OK – I forgive myself as should we all. However, when we become aware of it, we are far better of, far happier, getting back to that way of looking at things. It is less stressful and can bring inner peace and happiness.