The Sanitara Blog is about my personal journey, a journey of self discovery and personal development, in essence, a spiritual journey to freedom, which began in 2003. It has been created some 7 years along the way, though past writings appear in the archives to give depth to this rollercoaster ride that has gradually brought me to greater happiness than I have ever known before.
The journey began with the collapse of my world as I saw it, the shattering of the mirage or dream that was my life when I lost everything material in a business failure that had me wanting to literally evaporate, but one step short of suicidal. For years I struggled with debt, not knowing when I would be free and find the life I really wanted, a life that had escaped me before, even during many years of success.
Now in my 8th year of that journey, this blog takes up the journey at the point where there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel yet the journey is, of course, never-ending. Indeed, this blog is itself a major part of that light as it forms part of a greater plan for online awareness of my journey and my other writing. It brings together all the things I have done “on trust” in the past few years, especially since my arrival in Thailand, seemingly to little effect until now when it has all come together unexpectedly. I am finally doing what makes my heart sing, namely writing about my experiences in the hope that other people makes this journey if they want, but without all the pain along the way. The blog a heart-felt expression of the ups and downs along the way, “wart ‘n all”.
At 50 years of age I became a writer, having spent the previous 25 years as a commercial lawyer (latterly internet specialist), giving up everything from my former life in the UK to follow my heart with a simple commitment that started my journey of self discovery in 2003: “to have the best life I possibly can”. So it was that on 25th September 2008 I left the UK for good and to start a new life in Chiang Mai, Thailand where I met and now live with my very loving and caring partner, Thanphisit ("Than").
Saturday, 31 July 2010
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
From the Ridiculous to the Sublime
Sometimes I stop and reflect on how fundamentally different my daily life is from, say, 5 years ago. Far from missing it, I shudder at the very thought of ever returning to such a painful and unsatisfying lifestyle. That I now live in what I regard as an almost wholly alien culture thousands of miles from my “motherland” is possibly a more dramatic aspect of those differences but the reality is that it is not the obvious change of “venue” that houses the essence of my new life. No, it is more about the absence of being driven to prove myself and bear the burden of meeting liabilities, freedom to do what feels right in the moment and to reflect on and learn from my experiences.
It is not that life here is mystical or inspiring in itself, but what it catalytically facilitates is indeed special and would have proved far harder to bring about in England. Far from finding ‘paradise’, it is not about escapism. On the contrary, it is to facilitate the finding of myself at a deeper level, to expand my understanding of the real ‘me’ and extrapolating from the increased awareness such things as may be useful to others in time.
That sounds all very grand but from day to day it can involve a great deal of frustration at the slow pace of development as I endure the remains of the addiction I brought with me from my former home, the addiction to driving things forward, to being busy, to achievement to validate my existence. As I train myself to relax the mental muscle of this addiction and rest my awareness in what is present at the time and in the connection with everything that it brings as a result, I pull away from performance in favour of blissful peace of mind. It is, without a doubt, the greatest thing I have been able to achieve and something that brings the greatest overall happiness, not needing to achieve at all in order to feel good about myself or to feel useful or worthy.
It is not that life here is mystical or inspiring in itself, but what it catalytically facilitates is indeed special and would have proved far harder to bring about in England. Far from finding ‘paradise’, it is not about escapism. On the contrary, it is to facilitate the finding of myself at a deeper level, to expand my understanding of the real ‘me’ and extrapolating from the increased awareness such things as may be useful to others in time.
That sounds all very grand but from day to day it can involve a great deal of frustration at the slow pace of development as I endure the remains of the addiction I brought with me from my former home, the addiction to driving things forward, to being busy, to achievement to validate my existence. As I train myself to relax the mental muscle of this addiction and rest my awareness in what is present at the time and in the connection with everything that it brings as a result, I pull away from performance in favour of blissful peace of mind. It is, without a doubt, the greatest thing I have been able to achieve and something that brings the greatest overall happiness, not needing to achieve at all in order to feel good about myself or to feel useful or worthy.
Thursday, 8 July 2010
The Long Search for Elusive Golden Nuggets
(My whole journey since giving up everything in the UK based on faith and it feeling right to do so had, it appeared, met with no obvious signs of success or purpose - everything I tried led nowhere, or so it seemed. At the point I wrote this piece, I had yet to see everything converging perfectly in the form of this blog and its related website, suddenly bringing everything I had done together and in sharp focus with a wisdom behind it that only the universal consciousness is capable of conceiving, the idea being entirely outside my expectations yet somehow utterly perfect!)
The Long Search for Elusive Golden Nuggets
It is fascinating to notice how the mere suggestion of work that would generate income alters how I feel as I walk around a local shopping centre in search of a snack. Relaxed more that I have felt able to be for much of the time in recent days and even weeks, I am enjoying some personal space alone as well as the prospect of doing some work for a change. There mere possibility of the work, though by no means certain, lifts me enough to see the enormous burden I have carried in my heart for too long, all the fear doubt and pressure created in the over-busy mind. Does not the universe always provide for me in the end? If only I were strong enough not to let the additional burden of a life shared with a non-believer to pull me down to his level at times. It is hard enough alone but when I let myself fall victim to his moods born of his own dark fears, I surrender control to him rather than to the One and only.
I am less than proud of my recent performance and this in turn casts doubt in my mind on my ability to produce a truly powerful, effective book. I don’t yet feel ready to attempt to inspire others when my own way of being and my lifestyle seem far from inspiring to all but the bravest souls. Far from uplifting the rest, I fear I would make them to run a mile, into the arms of false gods of security, far removed from freedom.
I do, however, believe in my ability to express myself from the heart and to touch others, but there must be some significant visible shift for the prospect of anyone being inspired enough to use my experience for themselves. I accept that we never know what may touch people but it seems unlikely to me that many would follow my word in the absence of some form of clear, tangible proof of its validity. It is that proof that I await manifesting in my life, otherwise how even do I know if it works? The experiential learning is thus incomplete.
“Chicken and egg!”, I hear you say. If I can’t write until there is some form of success yet success is likely only to come from the writing, it is a vicious circle surely, a classic Catch 22 situation with all its absurdity. That therefore tells me it cannot happen that way and I must produce something inherently interesting from the journey itself, not from the end result. Logic so dictates.
Since not one of my ventures to date in Thailand has come to anything, the nugget must lie hidden elsewhere, the nugget that will be the hub of my first book. On reflection, I must simply believe it is possible and let God handle it once more, since I cannot yet see how it can happen, the all-too-familiar pitfall of the ego demanding to know “how” rather than trusting God. Gosh, how complex and disruptive are the meanderings of a busy mind, too busy to notice happiness now! Inner peace can only stem from going with the flow and enjoying the journey.
The Long Search for Elusive Golden Nuggets
It is fascinating to notice how the mere suggestion of work that would generate income alters how I feel as I walk around a local shopping centre in search of a snack. Relaxed more that I have felt able to be for much of the time in recent days and even weeks, I am enjoying some personal space alone as well as the prospect of doing some work for a change. There mere possibility of the work, though by no means certain, lifts me enough to see the enormous burden I have carried in my heart for too long, all the fear doubt and pressure created in the over-busy mind. Does not the universe always provide for me in the end? If only I were strong enough not to let the additional burden of a life shared with a non-believer to pull me down to his level at times. It is hard enough alone but when I let myself fall victim to his moods born of his own dark fears, I surrender control to him rather than to the One and only.
I am less than proud of my recent performance and this in turn casts doubt in my mind on my ability to produce a truly powerful, effective book. I don’t yet feel ready to attempt to inspire others when my own way of being and my lifestyle seem far from inspiring to all but the bravest souls. Far from uplifting the rest, I fear I would make them to run a mile, into the arms of false gods of security, far removed from freedom.
I do, however, believe in my ability to express myself from the heart and to touch others, but there must be some significant visible shift for the prospect of anyone being inspired enough to use my experience for themselves. I accept that we never know what may touch people but it seems unlikely to me that many would follow my word in the absence of some form of clear, tangible proof of its validity. It is that proof that I await manifesting in my life, otherwise how even do I know if it works? The experiential learning is thus incomplete.
“Chicken and egg!”, I hear you say. If I can’t write until there is some form of success yet success is likely only to come from the writing, it is a vicious circle surely, a classic Catch 22 situation with all its absurdity. That therefore tells me it cannot happen that way and I must produce something inherently interesting from the journey itself, not from the end result. Logic so dictates.
Since not one of my ventures to date in Thailand has come to anything, the nugget must lie hidden elsewhere, the nugget that will be the hub of my first book. On reflection, I must simply believe it is possible and let God handle it once more, since I cannot yet see how it can happen, the all-too-familiar pitfall of the ego demanding to know “how” rather than trusting God. Gosh, how complex and disruptive are the meanderings of a busy mind, too busy to notice happiness now! Inner peace can only stem from going with the flow and enjoying the journey.
Thursday, 1 July 2010
The Attainment of Harmony Within Conflicting Interests
(This entry touches upon something big that came up for me during the series of tough life lessons this year, namely the importance of having a balanced whole self, mind body and spirit. It is something I will eventually teach and also write about in much greater depth in my book)
The Attainment of Harmony Within Conflicting Interests
I used to imagine that perfect harmony or peace would come from a single common desire or purpose that, once discovered, would end all conflict, but now I see that aside from a larger set of naturally common goals (such as to live a happy life, die painlessly, be loved, eat, sleep, have a roof over one’s head, etc) there is a limitless number of ever-changing, varied interests in the world and, as such, it might make peace and harmony seemingly unrealistic goals. But I now see that such a view is not correct and peace and harmony can exist side by side with sometimes conflicting goals and desires. How? By achieving a balance of interests on an ongoing basis, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I saw that within me there are distinct parts (mind, body and spirit) and their sometimes less distinct subsets (e.g. my conscious and subconscious minds, ego, inner child, etc) that may blur and overlap and that these will usually have some differing interests and concerns.
As I experimented with what is possible through a fully balanced self, it became apparent that negotiation of these interests coupled with compromise lay at the source of harmony, not a mythical common interest. As it is within, so shall it be without: as we find inner peace and harmony within us, so then is it possible in the outer world. Indeed, I would go so far as to say that unless we master balance within, inner harmony, external balance or harmony is not possible, just as it is said we can only love others to the extent we truly love ourselves.
In a world dominated by control, fear, power and money, a world that is a reflective illusion of ego-dominated thinking rather than harmony, peace is not possible as conflicting interests vie to win. Only when we train ourselves to restore our own balance (bringing us inner peace and happiness) and in particular a fair reflection of the interests of all parts of us, can we begin to break away from the primitive dominance of an over-promoted ego. Only then can we begin to imagine a world where harmony will evolve from the balance of all interests, not just human but also including the multitude of conflicting national and international interests and the interests of our planet, a state of true world peace.
Perhaps one can equate nations to the mind and the earth/nature to the body. If that is so, at least to some extent, an ethereal body or ‘soul’ of the world would perhaps be born of the collective consciousness of the entire planet; all its forms, living or otherwise, a collective whole comparable to the entire brain as a collective of the individual component cells. Each of us is just one such cell in that scenario, each inextricably bound to the others, whether harmoniously or otherwise. If our brain were subject to such internal conflict, it would likely explode or develop cancers or other physical manifestations of disharmony. No wonder then that mankind has come so close to the proverbial abyss, to total annihilation. Now is the time for fresh perspective, a new paradigm for mankind and all component parts of the whole planet Earth. The source? A balanced ‘whole’, mind, body and spirit.
Ghandi put this so well: “Be the change you want to see in the world”.
The Attainment of Harmony Within Conflicting Interests
I used to imagine that perfect harmony or peace would come from a single common desire or purpose that, once discovered, would end all conflict, but now I see that aside from a larger set of naturally common goals (such as to live a happy life, die painlessly, be loved, eat, sleep, have a roof over one’s head, etc) there is a limitless number of ever-changing, varied interests in the world and, as such, it might make peace and harmony seemingly unrealistic goals. But I now see that such a view is not correct and peace and harmony can exist side by side with sometimes conflicting goals and desires. How? By achieving a balance of interests on an ongoing basis, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I saw that within me there are distinct parts (mind, body and spirit) and their sometimes less distinct subsets (e.g. my conscious and subconscious minds, ego, inner child, etc) that may blur and overlap and that these will usually have some differing interests and concerns.
As I experimented with what is possible through a fully balanced self, it became apparent that negotiation of these interests coupled with compromise lay at the source of harmony, not a mythical common interest. As it is within, so shall it be without: as we find inner peace and harmony within us, so then is it possible in the outer world. Indeed, I would go so far as to say that unless we master balance within, inner harmony, external balance or harmony is not possible, just as it is said we can only love others to the extent we truly love ourselves.
In a world dominated by control, fear, power and money, a world that is a reflective illusion of ego-dominated thinking rather than harmony, peace is not possible as conflicting interests vie to win. Only when we train ourselves to restore our own balance (bringing us inner peace and happiness) and in particular a fair reflection of the interests of all parts of us, can we begin to break away from the primitive dominance of an over-promoted ego. Only then can we begin to imagine a world where harmony will evolve from the balance of all interests, not just human but also including the multitude of conflicting national and international interests and the interests of our planet, a state of true world peace.
Perhaps one can equate nations to the mind and the earth/nature to the body. If that is so, at least to some extent, an ethereal body or ‘soul’ of the world would perhaps be born of the collective consciousness of the entire planet; all its forms, living or otherwise, a collective whole comparable to the entire brain as a collective of the individual component cells. Each of us is just one such cell in that scenario, each inextricably bound to the others, whether harmoniously or otherwise. If our brain were subject to such internal conflict, it would likely explode or develop cancers or other physical manifestations of disharmony. No wonder then that mankind has come so close to the proverbial abyss, to total annihilation. Now is the time for fresh perspective, a new paradigm for mankind and all component parts of the whole planet Earth. The source? A balanced ‘whole’, mind, body and spirit.
Ghandi put this so well: “Be the change you want to see in the world”.
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