The Long Search for Elusive Golden Nuggets

(My whole journey since giving up everything in the UK based on faith and it feeling right to do so had, it appeared, met with no obvious signs of success or purpose - everything I tried led nowhere, or so it seemed. At the point I wrote this piece, I had yet to see everything converging perfectly in the form of this blog and its related website, suddenly bringing everything I had done together and in sharp focus with a wisdom behind it that only the universal consciousness is capable of conceiving, the idea being entirely outside my expectations yet somehow utterly perfect!)

The Long Search for Elusive Golden Nuggets

It is fascinating to notice how the mere suggestion of work that would generate income alters how I feel as I walk around a local shopping centre in search of a snack. Relaxed more that I have felt able to be for much of the time in recent days and even weeks, I am enjoying some personal space alone as well as the prospect of doing some work for a change. There mere possibility of the work, though by no means certain, lifts me enough to see the enormous burden I have carried in my heart for too long, all the fear doubt and pressure created in the over-busy mind. Does not the universe always provide for me in the end? If only I were strong enough not to let the additional burden of a life shared with a non-believer to pull me down to his level at times. It is hard enough alone but when I let myself fall victim to his moods born of his own dark fears, I surrender control to him rather than to the One and only.

I am less than proud of my recent performance and this in turn casts doubt in my mind on my ability to produce a truly powerful, effective book. I don’t yet feel ready to attempt to inspire others when my own way of being and my lifestyle seem far from inspiring to all but the bravest souls. Far from uplifting the rest, I fear I would make them to run a mile, into the arms of false gods of security, far removed from freedom.

I do, however, believe in my ability to express myself from the heart and to touch others, but there must be some significant visible shift for the prospect of anyone being inspired enough to use my experience for themselves. I accept that we never know what may touch people but it seems unlikely to me that many would follow my word in the absence of some form of clear, tangible proof of its validity. It is that proof that I await manifesting in my life, otherwise how even do I know if it works? The experiential learning is thus incomplete.

“Chicken and egg!”, I hear you say. If I can’t write until there is some form of success yet success is likely only to come from the writing, it is a vicious circle surely, a classic Catch 22 situation with all its absurdity. That therefore tells me it cannot happen that way and I must produce something inherently interesting from the journey itself, not from the end result. Logic so dictates.

Since not one of my ventures to date in Thailand has come to anything, the nugget must lie hidden elsewhere, the nugget that will be the hub of my first book. On reflection, I must simply believe it is possible and let God handle it once more, since I cannot yet see how it can happen, the all-too-familiar pitfall of the ego demanding to know “how” rather than trusting God. Gosh, how complex and disruptive are the meanderings of a busy mind, too busy to notice happiness now! Inner peace can only stem from going with the flow and enjoying the journey.