It’s interesting how normally I like to live following my heart, doing what feels right moment by moment, yet when I get into something that I am excited about, it can be harder to listen to myself. I am so excited about the business I hope to launch later this year that I can find the excitement coupled with fears and doubts mix together and produce stress. I think I “should” be feeling a certain way or “should” be doing certain things. But that is rubbish and I know it only too well: it is no more true of this than anything else. In fact, I assert that it is a bare-faced lie that the ego tells to get us back under its wings, its tutelage, its misguidance.
What I found in allowing myself to get into this misguide state, somewhat uncharacteristically, earlier this week was that in forcing things it drained my confidence as I produce inferior work yet this does not happen when I go with the flow. It was very uncomfortable for a couple of days as I ploughed on regardless. However, yesterday I had the wisdom to “down tools”, not in rejection of anything but simply recognising I was not in a suitable state of mind to produce something enlightened and life-changing. When I look at it dispassionately, it is patently absurd to attempt to create something that will supposedly teach people how to access their inner greatness when I am doing the exact opposite! After all, if I practice what I preach, just maybe my customers will get it!
So, now it is the morning of the second day when I have vouched to do nothing unless I feel positively drawn to do it, inspired to do it. I will not resume any form of work until it feels right and I feel no guilt - guilt comes from the “shoulds”, things that common social agreement dictate; that we need to work hard and push ahead with things in order to deserve to succeed and in order to make a living for ourselves, a mentality that makes life a constant state of preparing to run a marathon! What utter nonsense is that?! I work for myself, owing no duty other than to myself and the universal life-force that I purport to serve. Indeed, to fulfil on my obligations to myself and “God” (as I will call that life-force for now), I must not allow myself to be driven by anything other than my heart and in that comes freedom, peace and ultimately effortless creativity. I have experienced this time and time again and yet how easily am I fooled by my ego into a different course of action!
You see, I know what I can do when I trust myself and God; I know I can make a difference to people just by my words when I come from my heart and am true to myself. So I will not sell myself (or God) short by one single ounce.
And the impact of this stand for my true worth? I feel great. No more nagging doubts., fear or guilt. Instead, I feel alive and creative and hungry for expression of the creativity in whatever way shows up for now. Who knows what the day may bring and it doesn’t matter if it has nothing to do with my work: if it doesn’t, I trust that there is a reason and it will work out when it is meant to and not before.
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