Endless Awakening

Tonight I have woken up, woken up to a still deeper level of understanding about myself and the poor decisions I made based on a hurt little boy whose sister didn’t love him. I have started to realise how my desperation for love and approval by her has had such a deep and negative impact in my life, an impact that was greater than I ever suspected when I first woke up to this reality 10 days ago.

First came the pain, the anger and the hurt that I could have been so foolish, so blind. Then came the realisation that nothing I could do would change it and I was numb for a while. But after that came the awareness that I wanted more; I wanted me, me free of the burdens of this decision that I was somehow to blame for my rejection by her. And as it came slowly and I released the anger and pain and the body slowly healed itself, then came a new level of consciousness, a new level of self awareness and love.

Now that is where I am, as I slowly see the many ways it has impacted me, the acceptances of abuse by others, the tolerance of hatred or disrespect or even jealousy in the desperate hope I would be forgiven for whatever it was I must have done wrong in the first place that was deserving of my punishment.

And from this place of freedom, of self awareness, comes unconditional love in the form of an angel that I drew to help me at this difficult time, my dog, Lucky, that ultimate animal of selfless, unconditional love, bounding down the stairs as I shed my tears, to offer me love, comfort and loyalty in the space left by the void of questioned love.

How can I deny there is a god, a consciousness that pervades everything in the face of this? I cannot and in the wake of this, my stand for myself and the new real me, comes a new awareness in the man I love, an awareness that I will no longer tolerate things that stem from an old me, an old paradigm to which I am no longer betrothed. The love that flows in its wake it real, unconditional and without parallel in my life. The universe has indeed heard my pleas, my cries for help, my promise to be true to it always and replied to me loudly and repeatedly, even when I would not listen and not appreciate its voice it shouted loud and clear. And its voice heard at a whole new level by us both allows a new beginning, a new promise for the future, a future not possible until now.