Choosing Inner Peace

This is it: a glorious, hot, sunny day; awake but not ready to go anywhere; is this not paradise? Why question such perfection for not fitting the mould of convention and expectation, for to do so surely destroys the joy in the moment, the realisation that everything is perfect if you let it be? Nothing is wrong; there are just temporary distortions and complications that mould our character but beyond that there is no purpose in resisting the inevitable. Just let it happen with curiosity as to what benefits it will bring your future life, if they cannot be seen already.

This natural state of acceptance and surrender allows me to soak up the morning light and take in the peaceful air that surrounds me this Monday morning. When I stop to notice, it is peaceful and the peace pervades me too, no longer wrestling with the thoughts and doubts to which I arose only to be distracted by shallow fantasies to avoid the pain and boredom.

Now I am free to enter whatever state of awareness I choose for my day and I choose eclectic calm, calm drawn from many sources: the early morning air, the sunshine, the trees in the inner courtyard, the birds singing, almost chanting, the slight clatter of dishes as the restaurant next door prepares for the day ahead, hopeful of more custom in these quiet times. As I look around me, becoming present to the many potential sources of peace and calm around me, I see the list is actually unlimited as I extend my awareness to the bright green new leaves on the trees, to the flowers, to the large colourful fish in the pond below, to the many people also beginning their day, their week, uncertain of what it will bring, perhaps wishing for fun and happiness, perhaps anxious and fearful of the challenges ahead. But for me, breathing deeply as I drink up the calm, the anxieties ebb and leave the mental beauty equivalent to the near-perfect smoothness of a white sandy beach as the latest tide withdraws.

This, then, is a lucky state of mind for a Monday morning, one that sets a happy tone for the day and week ahead. The choice is mine as to whether it continues or I let the noises of life break the inner peace like a delicate glass dropped to the floor by careless hands. I now make the obvious choice and patiently wait to see what the day actually brings.

Empty-headed and Conscious

I let my mind wander once again, for the joy in the freedom it entails. Alone with my thoughts, conscious of nothing in particular other than the intense heat around me, I absorb only the thoughts as they occur to me and wallow in their glory, as they come freely and without association or condition. It is as though each time I do this I tap into a channel within me, an inner stream of consciousness that appears to have no prompt or guide and just flows effortlessly. As I consciously now request of this inner stream something bold and inspiring for others, I await whatever comes to me from within with a mixture of curiosity and apprehension: curiosity for what it might offer forth; apprehension in case it is not as interesting or special as I would wish, having no control over the topic to be chosen or its content.

As I now start to write down whatever the stream has elected to reveal, I am now amidst still greater emptiness as I allow my mind to follow the direction it has been given by my heart and I discover the thought that has been chosen relates to my expertise in future times, the topics I will embrace as part of my journey in a foreign land in which I currently feel lost. This topic frightens my conscious mind, for fear that in future nothing worthy may flow and then I am done for, lost to the sands of time till death brings inevitable release. However, these thoughts from the inner stream are not constrained by fear and so I go on to discover the purpose in this flow and its purpose in my life.

I am freed by this practice and it shows me who I am by default rather than by design or pressure to perform: I am skilled, loving and careful. I wish to bring joy to the life of millions of my fellow humans and, in so doing, to my own. I will do this when time and experience allow and all that I have created for myself as dreams will be mine in reality. This I find intriguing since I feel ever more remote from such dreams at this time of extreme hardship and discomfort, but I know it is for the best overall and I welcome its end when the time is right but seek it not to end early, for therein would lie a challenge to fulfilment of my desires. This I cannot abide: I have suffered so much, a little more won’t hurt, especially if I am empowered by the experience, as I am sure I will be.

So, this text reveals to me from within that despite my very human fears and doubts, all that I have asked for will be mine in time and to neglect or ignore that fact is the root of my suffering, for when I surrender to the process, even in pain, the arousal of the mind’s doubts and fears ends and, with it, inner peace and tranquillity are restored once more.

Rediscovering the Past

The logic of thought is an escape from reality designed to inhibit the flow of truth from the higher consciousness. It alienates us from what is so, leaving us exposed to trials and traumas of life worsened by their unreal interpretation taken as real by its logical roots. This is no mean assault on humanity, for in it lies the truth behind the façade that clouds every thought in every moment and leaves nothing to the imagination or to the desire from within. It is torture by another name that distorts our reality in any given situation and increases the chance of exposure to risk and, therefore, suffering.

This is not normal but has become so thanks to the official blanket of ideas in current societies. No longer able to manifest truth in ideas, the heart is left alone and isolated beyond endurance and becomes the victim of a lie called “truth” which is not served by logic in ways which we assume to be the case. We suffer inordinately from this over-exposure to verification rather than placing reliance on the natural radar for truth within our being.

This alienation of our true selves serves to hurt us and makes us feel alone, unprotected and exposed in error to a false reality that has no basis in truth. This pain of loneliness exposes our hearts once more to the fear of birth and death at the hands of another whom we cannot control or manoeuvre as we will.

Long gone are the archives of true societies that eclipsed our current ones for their faith in justice and truth. Their return is but a distant dream at best for those whose wish is to return once more whence we came, those who are but lonely prophets of doom for the many who eschew their values and dreams. Yet return they will, for it is an inevitable consequence of years of suffering at the hands of nothingness that currently prevails. Long may it then reign, for good and for ever!

Tapping into the Inner Self

The thought in each moment imposes an obligation on the writer to transcribe whatever thought enters his mind, free of all constraint and judgment, liberated by the desire for truth to emerge, free of all thoughts and controls by third parties, thereby releasing the inner self to the ether of freedom exalted by self belief and trust.

This new freedom asserts itself with increasing regularity as the trust builds and becomes a normal way of being in future. The release is final, the return seemingly impossible to countenance once the freedom has been tasted and enjoyed at this level. The thought that it might be otherwise terrifies, as the prospect of mental imprisonment is as repulsive as the prospect of physical entrapment once the joy of freedom has been tasted and appreciated in all its glory.

Nothing I espouse is more important than this notion of mental freedom and creativity. Through this medium our heart learns to express its deepest emotions and concepts with profound clarity that no-one can surpass or undo. This joy of inner freedom tastes divine in every sense of the word and nothing you can say or do can undermine the special significance of true self expression.

Rejoice in the freedom and never forget that it is a gift as natural as time itself and as much valued as gold and silver in abundance. Reflect on this: without this new found freedom, what value or purpose has your life remaining? None, for once savoured, anything less meaningful is distasteful and unwelcome, at best a reminder of the hell from whence we all came.

So rejoice then in each moment of freedom we are blessed with, that it may last longer and give our life its true meaning and purpose. Rest not assured of comfort in its absence, for it is not real or true, just a sham designed to hide the pain of what is not real that you may survive in its absence. But it is not long before this false wall crumbles and reveals the falsehood behind its stature that, once disclosed, leaves us forlorn and without purpose or true desire, until the very façade is renewed and falls once more ‘ad infinitum’ until the moment of death and release surely follows.

This is no game, no apology for life, but an expression of possibility that lurks beyond our mind in hopeful resistance to the anarchy and darkness that prevails amongst the many who eschew the truth and the joy it brings. Think then of what you will do, released from your chains, the burdens of your false life, only to feel the joy expressed openly and in abundance. What could your heart enjoy and achieve, freed from false limitations and resultant fears? What would you do if your heart set you free and no longer accepted any limits on your future growth?

Reflect on this and let your true voice speak out loud, unafraid of what it could or would mean, instead delighted by its unencumbered nature, free to breathe in life and give of yourself, for this is all there for you who dare give up the notion that you are free and allow you to seek the freedom your head fears will bring pain and suffering, for it is not true and is designed to keep you from joy permanently. This is not the true you but some false edifice built up over years of suffering and of demands in payment for love and attention received. This is not real nor worthy of you, so fear not giving it up and surrender instead to your true will and desires from within and it will free you slowly but as surely as night follows day. Enjoy!

Random Flow Writing

In March 2009, I got into the habit of doing a short piece of "flow writing" every day for a while and some of these are set out in this blog where the exercise elicited something I think is worth sharing. Flow writing is often used to train people who want to learn to write effectively and creatively, to free the mind of its thoughts and limitations: it involves putting pen to paper (preferably not using a computer) and writing whatever comes into one's head without comment, though, judgement or even correction. At first it was sluggish and I find myself writing things like "I haven't a clue what to write at the moment...!" because the only rule is literally to write whatever comes forth. Anyway, though I have used this method many times before, so readers will be spared such dull material - some pieces never even made it to getting typed up and others that would not add anything to this blog.

The first in this series is somewhat descriptive but it shows how it can start, so I decided to include it anyway.

Random Flow Writing

Random scribbling on this page will, I hope, elicit something profoundly useful and meaningful to help me transcend my circumstances and the self-limiting beliefs that have me suffer more than I need. These words emerge freely and without thought as I put pen to paper with the intention to write in free flow. This process elicits more than when I try to produce “something of value” because it is unlimited, unlike my thinking.

This process of freeing the mind is a technique used by many who seek to rise above their own limitations to reach new heights of awareness and produce something truly revealing and helpful to mankind. It is a channel of consciousness that comes through when our thoughts end and we allow our mind to wander wherever it may go, like a stroll in a park or forest with no predetermined destination.

Expanding on this process for a minute, take the example of thinking in an organised fashion: it produces predictable results because it is limited to what it already knows, whereas this process is unlimited precisely because it is free and able to select consciousness at a random but high level. There is no need to go beyond what you know because what you know has no bearing on what you write. It will simply produce the best possible outcome for the thread of thought attached to. This process is easy and enjoyable as it elicits surprising things that stretch the mind’s traditional perceived boundaries into realms hitherto hidden from the mind.

Go back for a moment and look at what it is that has the mind limit itself in the first place: it is the belief that it is everything and merely seeks to know more to control its environment. This belief is an illusion and stifles its own development, for with freedom of thinking, the mind wanders blind on a journey within borders. It is not colourful or exciting in the way the free mind is, not able to roam and explore at will perceptions and restrictions hitherto thought real.

This process is therefore a very powerful one for findings oneself and one’s potential for fulfilment, for scholarly greatness as well as for practical uniqueness. It is the one method that has our true nature come forth.

Is This Not Heaven In Another Guise?

Another day, another experiment with flow writing.

Is This Not Heaven In Another Guise?

Is this not heaven in another guise? As I look out onto the courtyard beneath my simple but comfortable apartment in a glorious sunny morning, I feel serene, in love with life. Blessed with simple yet delicious food to sustain my body, a gorgeous companion and the chance to indulge myself in research for a book and in its actual writing, what more do I really need? In the face of total uncertainty I am happy, at peace, realising that in this state I am creative beyond my norm and ready to conceive that in time the solution to my challenges will come only when I am in this forgiving, calm place beyond the mind and its constant barrage of questions and doubts.

The words of the One, the source of all things, say it all:

“In every waking moment is an opportunity for life to be joyous or tortuous. Choose what you want for yourself, for the choice truly is yours and no-one else’s.

These thoughts are yours to use, to dwell upon for your betterment. They I offer to you in your despondency, for it is here that you will find your salvation.”

And so I choose joy today and for all days if only I can muster the energy to rise above my circumstances simply by being present to the miracles of life around me, the joy in the moment, even when the thought of the moment could as easily invoke fear. Astounding to some, this is indeed possible, even for a mind as busy as mine! This must be that elusive inner peace that I have sought for so long!

Peace Beyond the Noise

As I began to "go with the flow" in my new life, so did I experiment with "flow writing", writing without thinking, just spewing out whatever words came to mind unplanned, free of judgment, and I found great freedom of expression in doing so as my inner self threw up its most intimate thoughts, fears, doubts and delights.

Peace Beyond the Noise

As I detach myself from planned endeavour and put pen to paper, the ink flows easily as each word follows the last in an effortless surrender to my nature, my inner self whose voice is expressed freely in this way.  There is no "need", no pressure to achieve, just a loving effortlessness that is the expression of faith in myself and nature, another form of the ease with which night follows day.  At peace with myself in the early morning sun, the cool winds slowly giving way to warm breezes as the sun moves inexorably first towards its highpoint then on to its sleeping escape beyond the eye's reach.

I haven't a care in the world as I sit here and write, joy pouring from me in the face of worldly matters that somehow, almost magically, resolve themselves in time.  The doubtful voice within that whispers obligation gently slips away as I float on past the words and feel the truth of the moment whose voice is gentle yet powerful beyond all noise that would challenge my peaceful heart.


As I revel in this idyllic state and observe, as if from afar, the supposed challenges before me, I am almost amused, certainly curious, about how things will work out, as I am aware that at this time there is little else I can do but wait patiently for a signal, a call to the next step the powerful impact of which will come first from a feeling that turns into conscious thought and from there to plans and action.

As patience dictates my attitude and generates a creative vacuum of a peaceful mind and heart, I am in a fit state to notice the feelings so that in time they may become the actions that bring about my future, my dreams.  Each step enjoyable, nearly effortless, the surrender of the will to the self ends the struggle caused by false expectation and replaces it with blissful content.


Later, as I go about my day showered with the sense of inner peace and joy from my early morning reflections in the sunshine, my partner, who is not in the same state of mind and is indeed troubled in his thoughts, observes, "You look like a boy!", said without rancour or compliment but perhaps a little perplexity since we both face the same circumstances and uncertain future yet one of us is happy and the other distressed.  As I reflect on his words I am pleased, for in a space of peace, youthful vigour and childlike innocence and wonder are free to return.  How worry robs us of youth, of dreams, of joy!  How quickly peace restores them!

Stranger Faces

As ideas came and went for making a living I found myself slowly adapting to this new life against all the odds and in the face of friends and family thinking I am utterly crazy not to return home but to do so simply didn't feel right for me. If there is anything i had learnt even by this time, it was to do what feels right no matter how hard or foolish it sounds - the feeling is far more reliable, I have found, than left brain driven "reasons" with their hidden agenda for safety and inertia.

Stranger Faces

Sat in a corner window overlooking the central street of the old city in Chiang Mai at its busiest time of the week, Sunday evening’s street market, I see the many faces that come to pick and choose the many colourful gifts that will soon adorn homes across the globe as their adventure ends and they return to their daily life at home. For me, though ‘farang’ (Western), I am now home, truly home, as my heart has chosen this to the exclusion of the land that saw me grow into what I have now become, a writer and adventurer for whom fear no longer acts as a deterrent for action.

Those many faces from all walks of life and many cultures will largely return to the safety of their existence in their own home countries, their own nurturing society, never to experience the challenges of rebirth in a foreign land, naked, divested of all familiar vestiges of a former life. As I struggle through this period of initial acclimatisation, I could almost envy the easy way home that many will follow, yet in reality nothing but nothing would have me short-change my heart and soul on what they have chosen and now enjoy more than endure.

Understanding this helps me celebrate my achievements to date: the gradual adjustment to this colourful yet sometimes unforgiving land; the eager absorption of a new culture; the slightly self-conscious attempts to speak a sometimes musical, sometimes harsh sounding tongue; the determination to make a life for myself in the face of any and all adversity. And as I receive my first draft brochure that will hopefully allow me to begin to make a living here, I feel proud, exhilarated, anxious and, above all, at home.

The Onset of Winter of the Spirit

The journey seemed to step up a notch once I arrived in Thailand. Facing so many changes, so many challenges, my self esteem could only go one of two ways! My greatest challenge was money to live on. I had had to borrow money from a friend to get here and survive for the first few months. I struggled to set up a greetings card business under the Sanitara brand which was created during a meditation here in Thailand. That business has had stops and starts throughout the two-year period due to a lack of funds to get it off the ground, fund product development and find sales channels. However, on the positive side, it now has a comprehensive portfolio of cards designed to "lift the spirit", some designs of which called upon me to give up old prejudice about who I was and rise above them to produce simple but attractive designs consistent with the wording.

The Onset of Winter of the Spirit

It is as if the forthcoming winter and the imminent drying up of money have conspired to bring my usual positive mind to ground. The resultant effect on my body and spirit has been to lower my energy considerably (causing a cold and a multitude of other minor discomforts) and to obscure the signals from within, the source that normally lights my every step. With a heavy heart I let fear crush my otherwise strong spirit and, in so doing, everything is agonising. No wonder then that my body has become a tainted canvas spotted with bruises and cracks that betray the pain within. In these dark days, old familiar doubts are resurrected, questioning my ability to “prove my worth” or even to provide a basic living for myself.

On moving to a new home with my new partner, I allow these now fermented doubts to surface, with tears of humiliation and apprehension. Purchases of basic needs serve only to deepen the pain and self pity that are normally alien in my freshly restored heart. Yet these thoughts, these doubts, these fears are no more real now that when first they were created by a far younger me lacking the wisdom to distinguish truth from illusion. Can it really be that I am so worthless that I cannot survive? Or rather, better I see the folly in such dark fears and, reassured by the recognition of the illusion, I take action in the belief that if I can rise above myself and my dark nightmares I can create whatever I want for myself in the fullness of time. Guided by the light to this re-awakened truth, I set about a plan of action for short-term survival and long term abundance. Or as the light within me said: be in action.

And within 24 hours of this shift in perspective, money for the reality I choose to create (a trip to Bangkok by plane, not bus, and staying in my usual 5-star hotel) came to me out of the blue when an old business associate offered me commission on work undertaken for a client I introduced to him. In fact, he went further and added more in gratitude for my help in setting up his business some years ago. In trust and action, so I create my reality, a reality that includes abundance.

Addicted to Love

This is the first of the pieces I am including in my blog archive that was written after I left the UK for good to live in Chiang Mai Thailand. I came expecting to reunite with my former partner but it never happened yet something felt right about being here and so I stayed. Alone, rejected and having lost out on £50,000 the day I left the UK, the money I had hoped to start a new life with in Thailand, I wrote this piece only hours before the universe brought me my new partner whom the universe had forecast and offered to me as a choice only 2 weeks earlier. That the promise of the universe was so soon fulfilled is something for which I shall be eternally grateful - it turned out to be the only thing that seemed to work out here for nearly two challenging years!

Addicted to Love

I am now at the end of a painful four or five days when I felt as though I had taken a massive backward step on my journey: it started with just feeling lonely, vulnerable and somewhat emotional over seemingly small things. I found myself craving company which often ended in a more base satisfaction. Then as the pain built up inside, things came to a head when I sprained my ankle one evening: my pain now expressed vividly in my outer reality, I was gutted by the pain, whimpering yet also angry at the tourist who just watched as I writhed in pain and could barely walk.

Like a young child, I expected some comfort, some words of support and sympathy from anyone I may come across, but it never came. I hobbled along uneven streets and eventually found myself a ‘tuk tuk’ home. A sympathetic driver showed me what seemed to me to be appropriate concern and I slowly made my way to my room and as I collapsed on my bed I cried with pain and self pity like a neglected baby deserted by his mother!

Then, alone in my room, a new friend finally calls in response to my text, only to all but ignore my upset and to whinge about his family. Frustrated by his apparent lack of care (which was not the case in fact), I later berated him for his inability to satisfy my need for comfort.

The next day, still unable to walk, I asked friends for specific help (advice on treatment and transport to a pharmacy, etc) and I was well provided for but still felt a deep longing for loving comfort, feeling rather emotional and weak. Another day passed, my ankle now somewhat better, my awareness of its role in my life (the literal physical expression of my fear of not being able to support myself) acknowledged and now rewarded by clarity as to my future source of income, I still felt weak and alone.

Slowly it dawned on me that this feeling was an old one, probably one experienced by many of us. In my case, it went back to an incident at two years of age: my mother temporarily out of sight, I fall, grazing arms and legs most painfully and as I cry in pain, seeking the comfort of my mother’s arms, she is not there at first. She then appears and hugs me, “There, there”, she says holding me tightly, love and sympathy oozing from every pore. So, I decide I need her love and comfort when I am in pain, to make me feel better, to make everything alright. All well and good but now I see this made me feel needy. No wonder I have felt and behaved like a young child for days!

This new awakening filled me with compassion for myself, since it is so commonplace and understandable, yet so debilitating. I realise it makes me dependent on other people. This neediness can never be satisfied and creates a destructive tension in any relationship. Suddenly, I feel at peace again, no longer upset about being alone and scared, trusting the universe once again to fulfil my every need, free then to enjoy those around me without expectation. So, in self awareness and forgiveness, I find freedom and happiness even in the face of my fairly extreme circumstances.