I have woken up full of why’s and how’s and the consequential unsettled feeling inside for not knowing the answers to any of the cascade of insecurities that have rained on me from nowhere with no apparent reason other than that they just ‘are’. Not so pleasant, this feeling I have awakened to. Not the same peaceful state I have become used to but it need not last and, as I prefer my mind to relax into my daily ritual free of flow writing, I turn my mind away from the unanswerable questions and allow the anxiety to slip away slowly from inside. I resist the temptation to force the process, close my eyes and breathe deeply, soaking up the calmer energy in the morning light and letting it work its way into my body and heart.
The odd sip of tea supports the gradual restoration of order and calm within, a healing of old wounds that generate doubt and the need to know, and in its absence, a vacuum forms in which anxiety builds a nest unless I scatter the branches which form its structure. I do this by not letting a question or fearful feeling take hold. I do not fight it, accepting the mind’s attempt and desire to be secure through certainty (however misguided it may be), but I let it go with gratitude for its good intentions, preferring the inner peace and ease of effort that comes when we simply trust and accept the moment, moment by moment, hour by hour and so on till whatever happens happens and our future is mapped out at a deeper level from within.
This surrender to the natural order is a recipe for peace and happiness and with it comes love, love for people, love for so many things that the Universe provides freely to those who wait for It to deliver what they want instead of taking over and forcing their own will upon the situation. It is hard not to drive things forward, for the strength of belief and unquestioning acceptance which is needed to bring about ones dreams so easily slip into will-powered determination, born of past experiences and pushing against the natural flow, causing it to slow down or even reverse, leaving us exhausted, perhaps wounded.
And now, only minutes since I started, calm has returned and I feel contented, disinterested in the why’s and how’s that brought suffering, preferring the joy of acceptance and surrender to the pain of futile attempts to know and control. How quickly peace of mind resumes with the tools of faith in the Universe.
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