“You are not welcome here anymore!”

“You are not welcome here anymore!” These words sting as surely as a deadly snake and they keep me in my place for far too long. They show me how gullible I have been and how disconnected from my true self. The pain of realising that I led my life in the belief that I was somehow worse than others because I was not welcome in the life of someone dear to me had caused me to pause and reflect and somehow synthesise all that took place as a result so that I may move forward and be free.

I found the source of much past pain and it was ugly. It shocked me and touched me at the same time. I feel so loathed, so rejected and yet I also see that in time I will be able to manage the pain and move beyond the false decisions I made about myself, about who I am.


Oh, gosh, this was so far removed from anything I expected, from my known world, no wonder the pain lay buried so deep, so decked in the paraphernalia of life so as to ignore the real source of suffering, the indignation caused by the awareness at what took place and what I made it mean.

I am shocked and it will take time to adjust to this alternate reality that nature has laid at my door. With it will come freedom I never though possible, that much I can tell. Now let it rest and settle and see what transpires. Tomorrow is another day and it will bring new hope as the dust settles and the emotions are free once more.

A Christmas Birthday

It has never been told before, but I have suffered immeasurably over the years due to past decisions about my innate worth and “lovability” and secretly they have gnawed away at me, day in and day out, until one day the pain was too much to bear any longer and and it burst open, a flood of tears and buried pain that spewed forth, wretched in appearance, an ugly truth no longer denied.

It is hard at first to be with the truth yet it also sets me free and opens up fresh opportunity in life. Now as I await further fresh insights and understanding to complete the picture, I am calm, trusting that with it will come inner contentment with who I am and what I have become, pleased beyond words by the enormous changes in me that leave me in love with life and ready to venture forth, unafraid, inspired by the truth and the light and all this it has brought to me and may now bring to others.

God is so kind to me, its gentle, loving and protective arms firmly wrapped around me now, never letting me go, yet I am free and no longer burdened by what I saw of myself as a child, the ego personality, that mirror of other people’s thoughts and opinions rather than my true self. Now I am ‘me’ at last, loving, generous of spirit and committed to our growth into the forthcoming new age of man.

May this Christmas be the birthday of a new spirit within me, a free spirit no longer weighed down by unreal doubts and fear, in love with life itself and the wonders that lie ahead.

On the Twelfth Day

Eleven days out of twelve shall you suffer your own creation and on the twelfth day there will be a reckoning, a balancing of man with nature. There will be no more harrowing tales of exploitation and rigid thinking; instead, all will be flexible and fluid, a natural ebb and flow like a beautiful dance with nature that lifts you so you can soar to new heights.

Eleven days out of twelve shall you toil and in the end, when it is over, relax and watch unfold a miracle of existence, a Divine show of power and love that thenceforth no man may put asunder, for the wealth of the human spirit will flow with abundance and joy and know no bounds. No more aching hearts adrift in a sea of knowing, only peace and tranquility, the dawn of a new age of man.

Eleven days out of twelve shall you know yourself through your denials and ever-present fears. Then on the twelfth day shall you know your greatness once more and be free to pursue your heart’s contentment. Nothing shall obstruct your quest for truth and fulfilment and instead shall you be at peace in heaven on earth.

A Time to Cherish Forever

If ever there was a time that I could cherish forever, it is now. As I grow beyond my troubles and strife to reach new heights of awareness, I learn new things that open my eyes more fully, this time to reveal an ugly reality that leaves me feeling hurt to my core: the awareness that I have given too much and have been exploited as a result hurts me a great deal, yet it empowers me too, as I am responsible for it, driven by a need to prove my worth to everyone.

There is no reason for me to continue with it; I can simply let them go, they who would abuse me and exploit me and still rail me for my inadequacies. In time, the pain of the realisation will fade, leaving in its wake a clear space in which to build a truly magnificent future and that is precisely what I will do and I feel relieved of this burden, liberated once and for all, no turning back.

Connectivity and Maximising our Lifetime’s Potential

Connectivity is something given special focus in the universe. It is something of paramount importance to our understanding of our existence: we are all one, connected with everything around us. We are only in separate existence by dint of a mind that compartmentalises for purposes of experience and growth, for expansion of our energy field and, therefore, of the whole universe. As we expand, we once again connect with ourselves and that in turn allows us to add to our experience at ever greater levels until we achieve what our spirit set out to achieve in our lifetime.

This constant expansion is a reality that belies all human and other existence. It is the background to everything. Without it life would have no purpose. By it we come to know ourselves in time as God itself, as the co-creator of everything in our world. When we step up and claim our power, our voice for the universal consciousness, we enable ourselves to function at optimum capacity and to maximise growth and awareness.

The choice to do so is ours: we can hide away for a whole lifetime if we want, even for many, but in the end we will move forward to expand the known universe in ways we shall one day marvel at. I, for one, have chosen this path of maximum fulfilment, “supercharged” by nature and the universal consciousness that lies at its heart, a choice made rock solid by my commitment to it.

Forever and a Day?

‘Forever and a day’ is how long I thought it would take for me to feel truly connected with the One, the universe, and with life itself, but it has come much faster than I ever thought possible. Since I aligned myself with nature all around me, my spirit has lifted enormously and the pace of change increased beyond all recognition. It is this that underpins my growth and freedom in all areas, personal, business, spiritual and creative.

Now, without it, I would feel lost and without purpose or direction. It is as if I have transformed myself from a lost and lonely soul to a shepherd gathering sheep, gently and lovingly tending them, blissfully tranquil and in tune with nature from within as much as from without. The toll for this exquisite lifestyle is non-existent, the cost nil. It is open and free to us all who would seek it and my joy will be to share it with the world and for my trouble I will be handsomely rewarded.

Taken by storm as I have been by the latest revelations on my path, I am at peace, confident, alive, vibrant and full of creative energy and excitement, all this in a matter of two days since my healing began and the final shackles fell away; all this through aligning myself with nature, attuning myself to its pure, distinct and very loving vibration. There is a God...inside us all.

How to Dream Without Suffering

A natural characteristic of being human is to wish for things, for happiness, fulfilment, for possessions and even status, yet to do so brings us so much unnecessary suffering. Why? It has to do with how we wish and pray: we expect it or hope for it “someday”, yet we fail to prepare ourselves to receive, to ‘allow’ our wishes into reality.

It is born of a desire to have, fuelled by a myriad different inauthentic beliefs about ourselves and life. Once we make a wish, we risk disappointment through a whole series of potential pitfalls that befall us all at some time: impatience, self doubt, lack of belief, frustration, ingratitude and even annoyance at the lack of fruition.

If you want something for yourself or your life, better to prepare yourself properly, first by clearly imagining your choice of desire, then feeling it vividly as if it were already real. Once this is done, write it down and ‘park it’: leave it alone, perhaps just revisiting it from time to time (with equal vividness of imagination and feeling) to reinforce your desire, but leave it at that.

Don’t lament it still not being real or curse the time it is taking; trust it will be real in time and let go of your desire. This way it will eventually be real, without doubt. Fall into a trap, a pitfall, and your dream will be delayed or may even vanish into a pit of foiled desires. The choice is yours.

The Wonders of Nature

When the sound of nature gets itself heard at a deep level, there is a peace, a profound tranquility that exudes from it, whether it be the sound of rain as it beats down on the ground and on leaves of bushes or trees or the gushing of water flowing in a busy brook or the crashing of waves onto the shore. Each carries a charge of peace which is injected into our spirit to ignite in us inner tranquility and satisfaction.

Just look for a moment at sunshine streaming through the tree canopy and the joy as the vivid colours and gleaming, crystal-like sparkling rays pierce the moment and leave in their wake a soothing gratitude for life and nature. Even as the cloud then obscures the sun and rain pours forth, feel the vibrant energy of the storm that bring life to almost everything it touches and creatures of all groups stir into action, whether for safety, for shelter or for nourishment, it is a moment of extreme life, a burst of energy that stirs in me a sense of wholeness within myself and oneness with the whole universe.

How wonderful is nature, in all its aspects, the balance and the purity. Nothing is at odds; all is precisely as it should be, for even when the sun and rain bring death to plants and animals, new life is also born and the whole cycle begins once more. Nothing is every truly lost or broken, it merely passes into a new phase, a new beginning.

Begin at the Beginning

“Begin at the beginning and take one step at a time”. There are many reasons why it is better to choose a path and then start on it without hesitation, even if the path is not clear beyond the first few yards. To take these steps one at a time is easy and painless, since to contemplate the entire journey may be to sabotage it before it has begun.

This is why the universe generally gives, at best, a brief glimpse of the goal but only casts light on the path in small, bite-size pieces. It is a kindness that prevents fear of insufficiency or inadequacy from aborting the whole journey and also a test of one’s fortitude, patience, faith and commitment.

I used to want to see clearly ahead with everything mapped out and even unforeseen eventualities allowed for as much as possible in the false expectation of ease and security. In fact, far greater ease comes from going with the flow, one step at a time, blind though one may be to most of what lies ahead.

Forgiveness and its lack...the collective result

I have been reflecting on something a longstanding Jewish friend said about forgiveness recently and how, if he were able to forgive the Holocaust, he would know he had really reached a high level of consciousness. I have no answers and know relatively little about the Jewish community though my roots some 125 years ago may have been Jewish. I have always been fascinated by what took place and naively believed for a long time that it was the only example of of such severe atrocities but my knowledge of history plus subsequent events in places like Cambodia and the former Yugoslavia proved that to be very wrong.

So, when such atrocities occur, how can one forgive and what are the impacts on the collective community of not doing so? I don't have many answers and so I posed the question in an email to that friend and copied it to two other mutual Jewish friends in the hope that they could cast some light on the subject for me.

The email read:

Dear Craig

In quiet moments, a couple of times I thought about what you said about forgiveness of the Holocaust and how you will know you have truly mastered forgiveness and yourself when you can achieve that. Though I have nothing to add as to how to do it or anything useful (since it is such a big subject), I did however wonder what the impact of lack of forgiveness was likely to be doing to the Jewish community as a whole (not each and every individual but the generic group or majority).

I start from an individual perspective on forgiveness (as I said, I did 3 short videos on the subject that are on YouTube) and the reason I chose it was because, in my life, forgiveness was what liberated my spirit to allow me to find my true self, freedom and happiness, allowing my spirit to soar to new heights of awareness.

On an individual basis, a lack of forgiveness eats at the person from inside and also holds them back in life. As I often say, it is like swallowing poison expecting the person you are angry or resentful at to drop down dead! It is a silent poison, one that may not be at all apparent in its impact and its impact will indeed vary according to the intensity of the anger and resentment and the nature of the individual concerned but my brother's disease of cancer was a typical reaction for being "eaten away" - the body reflects its energetic balance or imbalance and how the imbalance is typically expressed (as in "he is eaten away with...") is often a clue as to how it will show up.

One further step beyond this is the fact that in reality everyone and everything is connected, all one, part of a greater whole that some call God, Allah or the universe. That oneness means that whatever applies on an individual level will also apply on a collective level, whatever the size of the relevant collective group involved (be it just 5 people, a million or hundreds of millions).

So this then begs the question, "What could be the hidden impact on the Jewish community or at least those that are still affected by the Holocaust?" I have no answers for you or even ideas on how it shows up (though it must have an impact and that the impact must be a negative one), but I thought I would share my intrigue with you and if you have a moment of quiet reflection, perhaps you could dwell on it and perhaps share any insights or observations with me.

Incidentally, I am not suggesting anyone "should" forgive the Holocaust: I don't believe in "shoulds" and people must always do what feels right for them. I am just intrigued to understand forgiveness at a still deeper level, on a collective level, and if I too get any further thoughts on it I will let you know.

Best wishes

Maitland

PS I am copying this to June as I would like to hear what she and Leon have to say on the subject.

Temporary Seclusion

Temporary seclusion has its merits in life: it allows for reflective contemplation that in time expands and becomes a haven in an otherwise busy world. Here I am sat outside in the early evening as the sun sets and I feel peace and contentment in this space created for reflection, all this despite the recent challenges and upheavals, especially my brother’s recent illness and death.

Here in my haven there is space for me, for remembrance of my brother and for quiet contemplation of my feelings, even for release of pain. So it is that I while away the period of dusk until darkness falls and mosquitoes begin to distract me from my state of inner peace. Before I go back inside, I call to my brother’s spirit to join me to enjoy the moment together and to allow him to watch me pen these words, he who, as a baby, used to call me “Pen” (for some inexplicable reason) and who so loved my ability to write movingly from the heart.

As I talk away (just in my head!), I share my happiness with him (the only exception to it being my losing him). I show him my new home which I had hoped he and his wife would one day visit, our lovely dog and this tranquil setting that so soothes me and feeds my creativity.

The choice to include him in my new life here is one I make from time to time in the days since his death as it comforts me to know he is there and to express things I would have done had he survived to make a trip that I know he would have loved so very much.

It is not for him that I do it but for me since I know he is happy and free and moving on beyond the struggle of this, his latest life and incarnation. For me, sad though I am, I take solace in this healing time spent alone with my thoughts and my dear brother in this temporary seclusion, in my latest haven.

Death ... an Opportunity for Reappraisal and Renewal

It is an endless journey we undergo, from one life to another, with limitless possibilities for each of them, yet when all is said and done, each life contains a core purpose or goal. That purpose or goal is set aside by the soul as a main aim that is never forgotten whilst other intrusions perhaps cloud the picture for a while, maybe even for a whole lifetime. This purpose then lies buried beneath the surface and, if not uncovered, frustrates the soul whose aim is self betterment and growth.

If we venture far off track and find it too hard to get back to the chosen path, we may eventually lose the desire to live altogether, as our soul, frustrated, decides to “cut and run” and try for another life in which to fulfil the goal in due course since it seems to be “getting nowhere fast” in the current life. This explains why some otherwise happy individuals sometimes suddenly die with no apparent explanation or cause, clearly long before the normal time for expiry.

To understand this allows recognition of the “bigger picture” of life and can heal those left behind, since they then know that their loved one has, at a higher self or soul level, chosen to leave in order to continue their journey in another mortal form in later years. It is this comforting thought that is then available for others to soothe their pain of loss and to move on with their own life.

More importantly, they have cause for reflection and assessment of their own life and journey, a moment to take stock, learn lessons and make choices that are empowering and uplifting. It is that aspect of death that is a cathartic healing for others left behind, indeed a sort of gift amidst all the pain. In time, their wounds will heal and they will have been blessed with an opportunity for reappraisal and renewal, bringing fresh energy and light to their own journey. So death is more than an end of a life, it is a wholesale spring-cleaning of the mind, body and soul for those left behind, if they would but seize the opportunity for what it is.

Julian Robert Kalton 1962-2010...may he rest in peace

The following are the words I have asked to be read at my brother's funeral today just 24 hours after he passed away after a painful struggle with cancer:

"Thank you for coming today to pay your respects to my dear brother Julian. Please know that, although I am some 6,000 miles away, my heart is with you all, as will be my brother as he watches over this sad goodbye with curiosity and gratitude.

Julian’s relatively short life had more than its share of “downs”, but there were also many “ups”: his colourful if chequered career, his love of cars and his life in Spain all brought him much joy. But nothing can match his total love for his adoring wife, Susana, his lovely daughter, Johanne, and her equally lovely sister Rocío whose absence for so long broke his heart. In this love, he truly excelled.

Julian spent half of his short life in Spain and was indeed more Spanish than English: despite remaining an ardent Chelsea supporter, he was an equally ardent supporter of Real Madrid. My brother may have been no angel, but above all he was a loving, passionate and honest man. I only wish he could have cared for himself as much as he cared for Susi and his lovely girls. That his anger at his extreme and unjust treatment was too strong to allow him to find room for forgiveness meant that it literally ate him from inside. May his death be a lesson to those of us who harbour buried anger and resentment, because forgiveness, as I have found, is a gift to oneself, maybe more than for the person we forgive. Unaddressed, it is a poison we swallow, expecting the other person to die.

On behalf of my brother, I thank Susana and her wonderful family whose love, friendship and patience saw him through so many unhappy years. I too am extremely grateful to you all for everything that you have done for my brother: you will always be welcome in my home. In this I know that I speak for my family too. I ask you to care now for dear Susi whose heart is broken: help her find reason to find herself and reason to live beyond Julian’s passing. Susi, I love you and invite you to come and stay with us as soon as you feel ready to travel so that we can give back to you some of the undying love and comfort you gave to Julian for so long and now need for yourself.

I now wish to address Julian himself:

You are at peace now, my dear brother, and may God hold your hand and comfort you always. There are no places to hide anymore and no need to do so any longer. Now recharge your batteries and give yourself time to recuperate form the challenges of your journey in this life, as there will be another time for you to find what was missing in this life that called you home so abruptly.

Please visit us often and give us the comfort of knowing you watch over us who love you and mourn your loss. Let us feel your presence, your love and your playfulness; let us take solace in knowing that you are now happy and that we will one day be reunited when our time too is up; let us feel your warm, tight hug whose energy spoke a thousand words. Bless you Julian, you will be sorely missed and I love you very much."

The following is my imperfect attempt to translate it into Spanish:

Spanish version:

"Muchas gracias a todos por haber venido aquí hoy para presentarle últimos respetos a mi querido hermano, Julian. Por favor sepan que, aunque sea 6,000 millas de distancia de vosotros, mi corazón está con todos vosotros, como será mi hermano como él vela por este triste adiós con curiosidad y gratitud.

La vida relativamente corta de Julian había más que su parte de "bajas", pero también hubo muchos buen momentos: su carrera colorida y con muchos altibajos, su amor de coches y su vida en España le trajo mucha alegría. Pero no hay nada que a la igualdad de su amor total para su esposa adoranda, Susana, su hermosa hija Johanne y su hermana igualmente hermosa, Rocío cuya ausencia durante tanto tiempo le partió el corazón. En este amor, él se destaca verdaderamente.

Julian pasó la mitad de su corte vida en España y es que él fue más español que inglés: a pesar de seguir ardientemente el Chelsea, fue un hincha igualmente ardiente del Real Madrid. Sea que mi hermano no era un ángel, pero más que todo, era un hombre cariñoso, apasionado y honesto. Sólo deseo que podría haber atendido a sí mismo tanto como le importaba Susi y sus chicas encantadoras. Que su ira en su tratamiento extremo e injusto era demasiado fuerte para que pudiera encontrar espacio en su corazón para el perdón significa que literalmente se lo comió por dentro. Que su muerte sea una lección para aquellos de nosotros que albergan enterrada ira y resentimiento, porque el perdón, como yo lo he encontrado, es un regalo para uno mismo, tal vez más que para la persona que perdona: sin tratarlo, es un veneno que nos tragamos, esperando que la otra persona a morir.

En nombre de mi hermano, le agradezco a Susana y su familia maravillosa que el amor, la amistad y la paciencia lo vieron a través de años infelices tantos. Yo también estoy muy agradecido a todos vosotros por todo lo que habeis hecho por mi hermano: siempre serais bienvenido en mi casa. De este, sé que hablo para toda mi familia tambien. Vos pido que cuideis ahora querida Susi cuyo corazón está roto: ayudarla a encontrar razones para encontrarse a sí misma y la razón de vivir más allá de Julian pasar.

Susi, te quiero mucho y te invito a que venga y se quede con nosotros tan pronto como se sienta listo para viajar para que podamos devolverte algunos de los amor eterno y el confort que le dios a Julián por tanto tiempo y ahora necesita de ti mismo.

Quiero ahora dirigirme a Julian mismo:

Estás en paz ahora, mi querido hermano, y que Dios tome tu mano y te conforte siempre. No hay lugares para esconderse y no hay necesidad de hacerlo por más tiempo. Ahora recargue las baterías y darte tiempo para recuperarte forma los retos de tu viaje en esta vida, ya que habrá otra oportunidad para que encuentre lo que faltabas en esta vida que te llamó a tu “casa” de manera tan abrupta.

Por favor visítenos a menudo y nos das la tranquilidad de saber que velas por nosotros que te aman y lloran tu pérdida. Que sintamos tu presencia, tu amor y tu alegría; que tomemos consuelo en saber que estás contento y que algún día nosotros reunirán cuando nuestro tiempo se ha acabado; que sintamos tu abrazo cálido, apretado cuya energía se habló más que mil palabras.

Que Dios te bendiga Julian. Te echaremos mucho de menos y te quiero mucho."