A Healing Revisited

How slippery is the ego on the path to freedom! Just when you think you are getting somewhere, it hits you in the back of the head!

I have looked at myself very closely over the last 7 years or so and I thought I had got to the bottom of something I knew was eating me away yet was slow to reveal itself: I refer to my favourite topic, my worthlessness (don’t cry, please!). So painful was the fear that my ego had hidden the memory of what it came from but I persisted and after two months of enquiry and leaving it to my subconscious to disclose, it finally came home to roost and I saw it in all its pathetic glory...the moment when my father had slapped me for breaking a valuable wedding present when I was aged just three. Being three years old, I drew conclusions that for an adult may seem silly, that “my Daddy doesn’t love me” and “I’m obviously not worth anything because he thinks the valuable gift is more important than me!”. The sad thing is that it is incidents like this that form the basis of who we think we are (our ego or personality), yet they are mere reflections or interpretations of what other people seem to think about us. They are not at all real.

Since this awakening I felt it was “handled” or “healed” but, in fact, I now understand healing at a deeper level and such life-shaping decisions attract negative energy that we store inside our whole self and indeed continue to do so as evidence secretly accumulates within us over the years to “prove we are right”. It is this that I am now dealing with at the next level. Will I shed it completely? I doubt it. Will it have the effect of reducing its impact on my life considerably? Of that, I have no doubt.

That said, where I am at now is that I have woken up to where this childish yet seemingly very real (if buried) fear is impacting my life and holding me back from writing the books that so excite me that I gave up everything to create them! It took the physical manifestation of the fear to awaken me and bring me to this latest healing on my endless journey. Right now it shows up as agonising aches in the arms and neck, so bad that I find I cannot stretch to reach up for even the lightest things - how interesting is it that the manifestation of my fears even shows me that I cannot, with this ailment, hope to reach for the things I aspire to unless I heal it?

My body, relieved at my awakening, slowly allows me to heal but not before using the opportunity to rid itself of the negative energy my poor, long suffering body has endured and stored away like a mischievous squirrel. So it is that I reluctantly embrace the process and go with the flow of the pain until it is gone (with a little help from pain killers when it gets severe!). I await with interest the end of this phase so that I may resume normal life but empowered by this latest letting go or healing. Such is the journey that pain does sometimes ensue in order to release us from the burdens of the past. I may not enjoy it but I would have it no other way.