Being True in the Face of Controversy

Today I unwittingly managed to spark a minor controversy on Facebook when a friend included me in her request for support in relation to some personal development training she is undergoing from an organisation that I myself used to great effect to a point some years ago, sparking the search for my true self, for freedom and fulfilment. Yet for me the effectiveness of the teachings of that organisation ended 5 years ago when I felt it had done all it could for me and I wanted to follow my own path, not led by anyone with an agenda or otherwise, a course whose truth and source is so high as to have no agenda other than the spreading of the light and this path has truly allowed me to soar, though I never forget the spark of that earlier teaching that made the whole thing possible.

The controversy came in my reply to my friend’s invitation, when I explained I would not be assisting her on this occasion since I felt the organisation had had its own issues that needing resolving at the time I last did their training.

Some recipients of invitations (all of whom had experience with that organisation) leapt to either patronise me by “telling me off” or to attack me for my opinion to which I am, after all, entitled. Others more enlightened responded with an offer of updated information involving material changes within the organisation that largely met my former concerns and even with support for my right to freedom of speech.

But what is really interesting about this otherwise relatively mundane story is how I felt after the initial patronising and aggressive responses: I felt really bothered by the controversy, even though I knew my opinion to be a fair one, and I did not know why I felt this way or how to deal with it. I asked myself, “Should I have kept quiet as a mouse?” and then wondered what the source of this ugly, acidic almost “guilty” feeling could be. Then it struck me: the pain was familiar, the feeling being one that, though recurring in many varied contexts throughout my life, could be traced back to one of those character-forming moments of early childhood.

At 4 year of age, we lived in a preparatory school that my parents owned and it was the first day back after the Easter break (during which I had been entrusted with looking after the class’s tadpoles). On arriving late, my teacher said, “Maitland Kalton, how is it that you manage to be late when everyone else comes form miles around yet manage to be on time ...AND...I thought I asked you to look after the tadpoles over Easter and look...they’re DEAD!” Followed by a deathly hush, I was then “sent to Coventry” (intentionally snubbed) by the entire class.

This traumatic incident triggered me deciding I must be very bad and selfish as well as unlovable (if that seems dramatic, do remember I was only four years old!) and what today’s events had done was to re-trigger that intense pain of that time and the fear that they might be right!

However, once identified, its hold over me vanished almost as quickly as it was triggered and I was free again, with subsequent communications vindicating my honest stance. Oh, the funny games our ego plays with us! Thank goodness for my commitment to self discovery as it gives me unrestricted access to the freedom to be who I really am and to have the best life I possibly, fulfilling my potential beyond any perceived limitations set by an unhappy 4 year old! How lucky am I to be so happy and to have only occasional pain disappear so fast!

Restoring Me to a State of Peace

As I busy myself with my blog and videos, I find myself neglecting the source of the whole concept, indeed the source of everything, the universal consciousness, and I miss it, that loving connection, that protective reassurance that nevertheless leaves me free, free to err or follow its gentle but firm guidance though only doing what feels right in the moment.

I also notice myself looking for what “I should be doing next” and to “fit things in”, forgetting that time is not an issue and that I will only ever need to do what I can when it feels right to achieve what I want. Forcing myself, driving myself out of an old habit pattern born of an insidious guilt taught at homes and schools throughout most of the world, will only further alienate me from the best route for me and from the source of that inner wisdom.

So, I reign in my rampant thoughts given power by my ego, still ever willing to step back into an unsuitable role as leader and mentor, and as I let go and feel peace return to my body, my chest relaxes and breathing eases again. I know now that the first signs of stress or anxiety are signs and symptoms of losing my connection with that inner self plugged directly into the universe and of the return of the ego whose excited, uncontrolled leap back into the driving seat reminds me of the boundless excesses and mischief of my new beloved puppy, “Lucky”, who, if allowed to reign uncontrolled, would no doubt dominate my life.

Therefore, the ability to return myself to that state of peace depends upon noticing those signs and symptoms and stopping to reflect and allow my connection with the universe to be restored so that all is well with my world once more.

Peace Inside Out

“Peace” is another word I like: there’s inner peace, that elusive tranquil state that is blissful when found and allows one to connect with everything and feel its infinite love and protection; then there is an outer peace at home, at work or in the world at large.

Outer peace is what stems automatically from inner peace prevailing throughout mankind, or at least a significant proportion of mankind. From this it can be seen that in the search for inner peace lies the source of a greater peace, world peace, and its coming depends on us finding inner peace first.

I love this whole concept and the thought that if I can contribute to bringing about inner peace in others as it slowly blossoms in me, the world will be a better place for it. What is great is that it merely requires that I work on myself and share what I find with as many people as possible who are willing to listen and see what they can take from it for themselves. The rest will follow gradually.

Thus is the truth revealed in Ghandi’s famous quotation: “Be the change you wish to see in the world”.

Folly!

The more I see what really goes on around me in the world, the more I feel alienated from it, as I gain awareness of things that are, at best, ugly and, at worst, a denial of our humanity. It wakes within me a burning desire to see things transformed into whatever glory may emanate from a human existence that is not driven by power and greed.

I see clues as to what is possible in those who no longer worship the gods of money and status, those whose light shines through their eyes by the very act of courage that has them move beyond current societal norms into the realms of glories that emanate from following one’s true feelings and ignoring those who shout, “Folly!”. For it is their courage and not foolhardiness that ignites the fire within and leads them onto paths of fulfilment and expression, indeed a path where the foolhardy dare not venture. Only they know the joy of stepping forth into uncharted territories, only to be greeted later as pioneers of humanity and purveyors of hope.

Such is the glory they bring to mankind that their light illuminates a path ahead for others to follow with relative ease, the now well-trodden path ahead, ever onward and upwards, never looking back in shame at what went before that now seems folly, forgetting that before they shouted at that brave man who ploughed on regardless of others saying the world is flat, not round!

May I fulfil my commitment to pursue a still unlit path and so be blessed to light the way for others.

The Schizophrenia of Torture Victim and Torturer

Here I am, one day on from uploading my first video and I’ve done a Maitland on me: hypercritical and unhappy with it after the event, yet I liked the presentation and layout, the technical additions, etc. This is very typical of me, a me born of feeling very criticised and what we see others do we copy as a young child. Decades of habit are hard to break. The only thing is that these recent years of self discovery have brought me to a place where I can see immediately that this is a reaction to the past and is not real or fair. The next step is to remember who I really am: anything I want to be, empowered at all times when I remember the loving power of the universal consciousness within us all. Even saying that as I type has me relax and let go of the tense muscle of self-criticism.

In fact, I now feel fine. I looked at an informal video I took whilst half dressed in my room alone last night: I am relaxed, “me”, with no frills, as I ponder what the next video will cover and I really like it. Sure, it meanders and I waffle but it is from the heart, untouched by concerns about how good I am or how effective the video will be. The “drama” of the expectations around a more formal video are what I let get int he way of being myself, the fear of not being good enough, the desire to attain perfection.

A friend emailed me this morning about yesterday’s video, cautioning me against excessive self criticism and he is right. I can never attain perfection, so at what point can I just be pleased with myself, warts n’ all? Put another way, when will I simply love myself as I am? I think the answer lies in the being a journey and not a destination: corny though that may sound, it is true and the destination thing carries expectations whereas the journey perspective is liberating and allows for going off track yet still largely following the overall direction for the travels of life.

So, as I plan the 2nd video in the series and even contemplate re-doing the first, I see that I have learned so much in just one week from deciding I would start producing videos to having the first one on the internet! The sheer speed of it alone should show me there is achievement if I would but step back from the criticism and pat myself on the back for a change. I feel I am both the tortured and the torturer: the poor little hurt and tortured boy and the overbearing torturer who is never satisfied with the answers his victim gives, nor with himself, all in a vicious circle that transcends lifetimes.

As I feel the pain of both torture victim and torturer, I send them both love and reassurance in readiness for my next step towards my goal of producing great videos that will eventually touch peoples hearts and lives. This loving kindness towards myself softens my heart and prepares me for the day ahead, for the planning and execution of my next attempt.

A Life of Trust

From the day we are born there are things to encounter and enlarge one’s soul. This is only natural. But now I feel as though the rate of expansion is ever faster as I set upon a trusting path, a path of trusting God to deliver precisely what I need, when I need it and, as I do so, I find I am caught up in things I never thought possible, such is the expansion through my experiences, my journey of self discovery and development.

I have now begun to contemplate a life with me having a high profile, something I shied away from most of my life for fear of being “found out”: “found out” as a fraud (not literally but in the sense that I am not as good at what I do as I may appear) and “found out” in relation to things I don’t wish to share with people. Yet at the same time, I crave nature and peace and things that do not fit well with a higher profile existence. So, when I find my create this higher profile, I shall have to manage myself and my life to ensure the two aspects of my desires do not conflict and become mutually incompatible.

Recent experience and learning about balancing oneself has taught me that harmony is achieved through negotiated compromise and the secret to balancing these two areas of my life will be conscious balancing of the needs of each aspect of my personality. That may sound vague and even unreal but my practice to balance myself daily has shown me it really works and that harmony is possible with conflicting interests when the needs of each part are respected and met in balance with those of other parts. The same is true in a larger context and is the potential source of a peaceful planet at long last, through careful balance and not through the assertion of power by money or force.

So, as I trust that today will bring me what I need and, indeed, the signs of growth have already born fruit in the form of ideas for the third attempt at my video later today, I close by posing a slightly provocative question: what would be possible for you too if your own life were to be a harmonious expression of the needs of your whole self, not just the pressing needs of the lifestyle you may have chosen, for whatever your circumstances, you have brought it upon yourself one way or another and only you can change them, if changing them is what you want? In other words, how might meeting all your needs and desires help you if you are ready to seek something else for your life, whatever kind of self development that might involve; finding inner peace, happiness, success or love?

Letting Go of the Past

I had never been able to enjoy my father’s company in the past, preferring in fact to avoid him altogether, yet now, for the first time since I was a young boy, I am finally able to enjoy a relationship with him, by email across the miles maybe, but a relationship nevertheless. I am very moved as we share our taste in food and music and find common ground as well as differences. There is something very satisfying in giving up the past with all its hang-ups and prejudices and re-living a relationship I long thought dead.

Experience has taught me that my father was the one issue that was unresolved in my life. As a boy I craved his love an attention and felt I was beyond it, somehow not good enough for him, yet now I see him for who he is, able to express love in less conventional ways and rarely doing so expressly. One has to watch out for the clues, the hints, the things he shies away from saying. To do so is worth the patience and understanding, for they are there, quietly hidden away in a passing comment or rare compliment. I am very grateful to the universe for bringing us together, for whilst I now understand that even to the grave it is not too late to heal a soured relationship, the fact is that one is more complete when it is handled whilst both are still alive and able to enjoy some of the rewards of the healing.

Recent weeks and months have increased this sense of there being a real relationship, so much that I asked him to consider recording some background music for my videos eventually, when we can afford to buy the keyboard it would require, and he agreed. There seemed a beautiful poetry about the idea that my videos about my life journey and the lessons I have learned from it should have some backing with pieces played by my musically gifted father. And, now, when I contemplate this fairly momentous turn around in our relationship, I am deeply moved and grateful and looking forward to what make spring from it, not just between my father and me but in other aspects of my life, since my experience has been that any impairment in one’s life shows up in all one’s life in some shape or form, that where, for instance, one lacks confidence in a particular situation, it will often cover up a similar lack of confidence in many areas, if not across the board.

So, as I face the third attempt to make my first video, a video on the subject of forgiveness, how perfect it is that I should see now the benefit of having forgiven and let go of the past with my father as I did 5 years ago. How perfect its blossoming should coincide with this important first step in making videos to lift people’s spirits. How perfect that I now realise the focus of the video should be that story, for if that does not lift the spirit, then nothing will!

Moving Beyond Unrealistic Expectations

There is never enough time to do all the things one would like to do in life. Therefore, it is important to get on with whatever one can for the time being and to enjoy doing so, whatever it is, however small or modest. This way, you eventually follow your heart to the things you really want to do.

Today I am reeling slightly from my first attempt to produce a video for my blog. Frankly, it was too long and not that all that good really and certainly not good enough for me to post it with pride. So I woke up today feeling a little bruised by the experience, feeling that I can do better but also fearing that maybe I can’t! That hurt!

The upset cut quite deep and touched upon life long issues of feeling worthless, not talented and the usual silly if also human doubts that cross many a mind if people are honest with themselves. As it cut deep it would have been easy to let it reign over me all day or even beyond but I have long since become accustomed to dealing with any negative feelings fast, simply because I can and because not to do so seems silly - why suffer when you don’t need to, yet so many of us love to dwell on self pity and it is easy to get caught up in a vicious circle of negative thinking. So I vowed to stop feeling sorry for myself and to look at what was behind it.

I already know myself well enough to see that old gem, worthlessness, when it rears it ugly head! I also know where that feeling came from, so I know it isn’t a real fear but was merely born of something that happened when I was three years old: I made what happened it mean something about me, something not true, that is, that I am worthless, all because I was slapped after I broke a valuable wedding present of my parents!

That helps, since identifying the root cause of a negative feelings usually takes the sting out of it. Where something really presses that button hard, however, sometimes more is needed and the practice I have adopted in recent months is to stand back from myself, remembering that I am more than my thoughts, more than my body, more than my spirit - I am all three aspects, and only when all three parts of me are in balance can I return to the real me with the inner harmony that I have come to love and expect.

So I address my mind to the whole of me, speaking silently in my mind and telling my whole self to get themselves into harmony. It was, after all, clearly a subset of the mind, the ego, that was kicking up a fuss - hand in hand with that part of my consciousness that people often call their “inner child”, mine feeling sad and disappointed after excitedly anticipating the making of a great video! Whilst the adult aspect of my persona is able to stand by more wisely and see that I can’t expect my first effort to be perfect, that doesn’t stop aspects of me being less grown up or sensible. Yet all of these aspects of myself need to be managed and this process of balancing my whole self is so powerful, as nine times out of ten it causes balance to return quickly and I can let go of the upset. And that is precisely what happened and, though still feeling a tad bruised, now largely balanced, I am fine and looking forward to trying again later. In fact, I will try and try again until I am happy with it, yet also recognise that it will never be perfect and that is OK.

My final comfort comes from the extra step of remembering that the universal consciousness is behind everything, behind every experience, positive or negative, that will teach me what I need to learn and eventually deliver what I am capable of delivering if I trust in that process. My faith untainted, I vow to “fight another day”!

Steps into the Unknown

This is the reason I am here: to give effect to whatever my heart tells me to do and then share the experience with others so that they too may find peace and happiness. As I explore what it means to live this way, I feel I grow by the day, becoming more liberated from the constraints the past imposed on me through my thinking. Now I am able to rise above the thoughts as a mental discipline, one that has taken a lot of practice but which rewards me with incredible gifts, gifts that thrill me daily.

As I use this practice daily in order to live my life more fully and happily, I am now able to to share the experiences so that anyone else looking for happiness and self growth can adopt those parts that they feel could work for them whilst leaving aside anything that does not feel right for them. As I expand this process of sharing my experiences beyond written pieces in this blog, I move into the arena of videos too. Tonight I will begin with a series of three short videos on forgiveness and how it can help make you happier. The reason I am starting with that subject is because it was a major act of forgiveness by me that triggered a major shift in my life, truly something that meant my life would never be the same again.

I won’t expand upon what happened, preferring to leave it for the video, but my point is that in following my heart, one step at a time, often blind as to where I was going, trusting nevertheless in the process (most of the time at least), I am finding myself going in a direction that feels like the real me, as if this is I was born to do. It involves me writing, sharing my experiences and doing videos, all to help lift people’s spirits in line with my commitment to that effect through the Sanitara brand that I am slowly creating. No doubt a video series will soon follow on how to live life this way, to find oneself and one’s true calling. So many things are coming out of all these experiences that I am eager to share them, to see if others can find the same deep inner peace and happiness that is mine, more every day. Yet I take one step at a time, learning as I have how important it is to be patient and not to get carried away.

How very happy I feel about this latest in a long series of positive developments in my life, all within the last 2 months in fact, since shortly before I began this blog which truly is the heart-felt expression of my experiences. The act of faith for now is in investing large amounts of time in developing this blog, my website and the videos without an audience, knowing, as I do, that it will come (now I sound a bit like the voice Kevin Costner hears in Field of Dreams saying “Build it and he will come”!). For me, there is no longer any doubt. I just take it one step at a time.

Avoiding the Vicious Circles

When I look at it, I have had a few unpleasant exchanges with people lately; nothing severe but unpleasant all the same. The resultant negativity from any such exchange can, though need not, perpetuate more in a most unpleasant vicious circle. It seems that I have attracted more negative exchanges by the negative response to the first in what is now a small series of them.

So, what is all this about? It is something I certainly don’t want to see repeated, since the feeling I get is uncomfortable, both at the time of the exchange and afterwards. What is it that I am doing that has me get embroiled in the minutiae of life rather than stand back and maintain my usual happy state?

Well, first, I can see that this mini-series of encounters started with the one I mentioned in a blog a few days ago, the one with the people who control the building I live in. Whilst I did, when writing that blog entry, break away from the upset and release myself from it, I revisited the subject in my mind, letting it think about the person and drawing all sorts of little negative conclusions about her and also about some of the people around her. Rather than discipline my mind by resisting the temptation to make judgments, I allowed it to get a little carried away.

This is not who I feel I have become nor who I wish to be, yet I am human and have been very judgmental at times in the past, so naturally I revert to type occasionally. I am only human, after all!

What is more interesting, when standing back from myself, is how I can see that it led to other negativity: the judgments that started with one person then spread like wildfire until whole classes of people became under its despotic control. Suddenly I saw more people “conforming to type” in a world of judgments and it was ugly; I felt distant and as sad as I felt angry. No wonder then that I drew more experiences of a less than pleasant nature and indeed I even felt disgruntled with some people I like, such was the power and grip of this rampant disease!

What triggered my awareness of what was going on was a “B” movie I saw on television last night, one whose message I love, though the quality of acting and some of the script leaves a little to be desired. In it the “hero” was a man who had led a selfish and dishonest life turn away from his past and seek a better life with a genuine shift in perspective forced by events that showed him that the universe (or “God” as it was called in the movie) was indeed looking after him and that if he committed to a better life all would be well. It was a touching story and one I can related to (not ever having followed a dishonest path but having been unaware of the power of the universal consciousness for most of my life).

What this movie reminded me is that anyone is capable of transforming themselves and are therefore worthy of the respect of not judging them. That they may not yet have found their true selves is a matter for compassion, even though I may then choose not to associate with that person while their way of being is so negative and destructive.

This awareness, coupled with a discipline of distancing myself from my observations or judgments, brings me back to who I wish to be and how I wish to behave and hopefully my normally pleasant encounters will now resume. When I notice I am being critical, I need only pinch myself to remember I know nothing of this person and why they do as they do, that in some way their life may be harder for their behaviour and that there but for the grace of God go I. This attitude of compassion and tolerance can be called “loving kindness” and calls us into being at a whole new level, leaving as its reward a warm, generous feeling inside that trumps the poison of criticism and anger every time without fail. Like so many things that can sound pious or virtuous, why one should do it is not to benefit others but to bring peace and happiness to one’s own life, right now, not at some distant time beyond the grave.

A Peaceful Focus

Whatever thoughts may come to me during the day, I will always find myself coming back to one thing: the universe, my connection with it or the lack of it when I am feeling less than connected. I miss it when it is not there, the lack of peace of mind is now obvious - of course, the universe is always there but my ability to feel connected with it varies from day to day. The more I bring it to mind, the more I feel connected and at peace.

This inner peace and knowing is a result of my connection. I can often tell if my connection or awareness is not strong, usually because I experience stress or annoyance. Once noticed, the discomfort can usually be removed quickly and connection restored. All I can say is that life is so much better when the connection is strong. Mostly this comes from regular and repeated practice; thinking about the universe, intending to be connected with it and aware of being so connected.

Thus it is that I am able to move forward in life with relative ease. When challenges arise now, my awareness of the universe allows me to regain peace of mind, often immediately but always within a short time. A doubt or a fear comes to mind and I am on it like a shot and it is gone in an instant in all but the most extreme circumstances. The key, however, it noticing it in the first place: so accustomed we have become to stress and discomfort that we take it for granted and let it sit untamed, sometimes for days, weeks, months or even years at a time. Now, such a horror is unimaginable for me, but I suffered with it for some 40 odd years, like an apparently incurable illness, yet it isn’t.

It has taken quite a while to get to this stage: the initial method had to be practiced, the muscle built and the impact felt more and more until it became second nature. Like any new practice, it takes commitment and patience to attain a level of mastery, a a level of peace and trust, and whilst I think I have attained quite a good level of it, I can also see that I have a long way to go to get the sort of level of inner peace one sees in the leading gurus and monks around the world.

I now feel able to share what I have achieved and will probably do a series of short videos on the subject in the coming weeks. Anything to help others find the peace of mind and happiness that I have come to experience and expect most of the time, something that before was but a remote dream as I struggle though life with a business, mortgages and seemingly endless worries. Once taken on, there can be no turning back, the prospect too painful to bear. Fortunately there is no need to turn back but simply to commit to following it and let the rest unfold as it will.

What Motivates Me

This role of mine to discuss the things, the life experiences, that have brought me to this point pleases me no end. I love sharing my experiences with people. I tell them about my life and the problems I have both faced and overcome and it seems to give them hope for their own lives. After all, I am human, “warts ‘n all”: if I can do it, anyone can do it. I am quintessentially an “every cloud has a silver lining” merchant!

This awareness I help create in people is lost to those who are so hopeless that they refuse to look at themselves. It is only available to those who are willing to stand back and say, “Could this be true for me too?” “What can I take from this for myself?” Because it is up to individuals to see what, if anything, strikes a chord.

I don’t tell people what they “should” do; that is never appropriate. I have my opinions and quite often they are right but also they are often wrong and, in any event, what is right for one person will not be right for another. So I let people decide for themselves what feels right for them. I throw ideas into the pool, baring my heart for all to see, so they get a chance to really feel what I am saying. If it strikes a chord, fantastic. If not, that’s fine. Maybe there is something else that will strike a chord; maybe there isn’t.

In finding my own freedom, I have learned to respect the freedom of others, their unique ability for them to know what is best for them, better than anyone except for the universal consciousness, of course.

I use this approach therefore in everything I now do; I am available to people if they wish. I never seek to “convert” people to my way of thinking. What I say is not for everyone. I remember a friend of my mother’s reading some of my verse and responding, “Don’t give up the day job!”, but I did anyway! Why, because it felt right to do so and the result is that I have never been happier. If any of that happiness can rub off on others, so much the better: if I can help some people find themselves, have greater self awareness, discover what makes their heart sing or simply be happier, I will feel extremely satisfied with my life. That is why I do what I do.

Bit of a "No-Brainer"

It is without a doubt that the real reason I have put my trust in the universe is that I have begun to feel the effect of its help in all aspects of my life, from love to working life, from social encounter to the inner peace I feel much of the time. The more I invest in the trusting relationship, the more I seem to get out of it. My daily promise to it to surrender to its will reinforces this bond and sets the tone for what I can only describe is a superb relationship of love and trust, of infinite wisdom and benefit.

So, why do I make this daily promise to put its interests before mine and what does it mean to do that? The answer lies first in the fact that I am tired of pursuing a life that suits the “me” that was built on sand, not stone, the foundations for a shaky existence with no real substance to it. On top of that was the realisation that in making my daily offering to surrender to its will, I make a commitment that calls me into being at a whole new level, consistent with what I always dreamed I would be, not born of the false, usually negative images of myself acquired over decades of experiences.

So these perhaps quite selfish reasons for surrender lie at the root of the daily commitment to serve the universe and, in so doing, to in giving of oneself without condition. Beyond that lies the gradual realisation that as I do so, one hopefully reaps what one sows. I take on entirely new approaches to life and happiness, being contented by the seemingly simple things I now enjoy and being ready for something that really stretches me outside my comfort zone to allow me to reach new heights of being, of living and of experience. Surely that is worth something of itself?

What does it mean to make this commitment? It means listening very carefully to the clues about how to behave, based not on pleasure but on what feels right, not based on comfort, but on what feels appropriate even when it may seem daunting, even scary. As I left the comfort of my profession of 25 years standing to venture into the unknown as a writer in a new country that sometimes feels a million miles away from what I knew before, believe me I was often daunted, but I did it anyway, because it felt right to do so. To live up to the commitment (which on some level I still fail to do every day) is to face many challenges and triumphs, many ups and downs. Overall it is a wonderful thing I have done, but at times it severely tests me and as it does so I grow stronger and more confident, happier and more patient. It is not a path for the feint-hearted and what gets me through the fears and doubts is the very commitment: it makes me rise above the temptation to give up.

Did you think I was going to give some highly spiritual or religious notion of goodness and virtue to ensure a place in Heaven when I go “home”? Surely not. Beyond the spiritual exists a level of more earthy awareness and satisfaction that still makes it the right course for me to follow. Frankly, I am no angel but I like to hope I lead a decent life and I never doubt that I will be in a happier place when I return to wherever it is we come from when we are born, be it “heaven” or otherwise.

Long before I ever believed in the concept of the universal consciousness, when technically an atheist, I saw that it still made sense to lead a good life, to be decent to and considerate of others, because in so doing, my life on earth was made all the better for it, no matter what followed. It always seemed a bit of a “no brainer” for me, as much at 21 as now at 52. I simply “don’t get” why one would do otherwise. And the same is now true of why I surrender to the universe, to serve its will in whatever I do. It quite simply feels like the right thing for me to do, an entirely personal choice that may not be for everyone, but one with which I am very comfortable for all that it teaches and gives back to me every day. It has put my quest for self awareness and growth into fast gear and gives me real hope for an exciting if challenging future. In a world of little hope, I am therefore truly blessed by my commitment.

A Tranquil Heart

From a place of peace in my heart I commence writing once more. I am free in my heart now and proud of myself for letting go of anger. Thus is it once more that I put pen to paper (metaphorically today since for once I am not handwriting it first) and allow myself to just go with the flow of words that come into my head.

There is little I have ever done that was truly important, yet I behaved as though my very life depended on so many things. Now free of this unreal perspective, I can do things with expecting too much or stressing myself about the outcome, instead trusting that once I have truly given it my best, I will be free to move on to another task without wasting a second worrying if it is good enough or “right”.

I like this new way of being, unattached to results and expectations, and open to anything, willing just to wait and see what happens as a result. It is glorious, this feeling of freedom from expectation and faith in the outcome being whatever is will be but always ultimately for the best. So many years I laboured in vain, attempting to control everything in my life. How very stressful and demeaning it all was. How very unpleasant.

This new way of being tales practice. It is not easy at first, so conditioned are we to behaving in the old way. Everything around us seems to support the need for and value of expectations and drives us through obligations that are false too. It starts at home when we are small and is then reinforced at school and on television and all around us in society until the barrage of expectations dominate our lives: the need to own a home, work hard, have a perfect family and marriage, etc, etc. It is not to say that these things are wrong, but the expectation of them, rather than the request for them, puts pressure on us to conform and to do things we “should” do. This closes us to the intuitive following of a path one step at a time, in tune with our inner selves, because the “noise” of the obligations and the stress of fulfilling them closes our ears and heart to the quiet voice from within that seeks another route to happiness.

Thus it is that I spend my day, every day, living through desire backed by following the heart as the guide along the path, no longer ruled by a head dominated by ego and compliance, and true happiness becomes possible and hiccups few and far between. So much better than before. So very tranquil.

Respecting Oneself

I am feeling a little weighed down by anger today. Yesterday, I let someone’s very inappropriate behaviour upset me and the truth is that I am still angry about her behaviour, feeling powerless to do anything since this person controls where we live and she even threatened to kick us out over our objecting to paying for a second internet connection which is already expensive and plagued with connection problems. Her aggression was totally unprompted and the behaviour high-handed and it does not sit well with my sense of justice and fairness, yet we cannot afford to move at this time.

I dislike the ugly hold this emotion has on me right now, no matter how justified my feelings may be. I keep reaching out to balance myself (mind, body and spirit) and bring my awareness to the universal consciousness which would normally be enough but so far it has been less than successful and I am left with this nasty taste in my mouth and this sense of frustration at being treated rudely and disrespectfully.

As I type, I have decided to use this writing to shed my anger onto the page and remove it from my body and as I declare it, so it is and it goes. It is as if,having put the unpleasantness onto the paper, I removed it from inside me. As I did it, my intention was indeed that it would leave me in this way. How interesting. Another tool for managing myself. I feel considerably better having taken myself back from the grips of something unpleasant and now unfamiliar. Put another way, I simply let it go, because as things stand there is nothing I can do about it and my upset came from holding onto the anger and frustration, all of which made no difference to the subject of it yet sat inside me like poison. I see that the balancing of mind, body and spirit could not happen while my ego held onto the anger and wouldn’t let go.

I add to this exercise an intention to remove any negative energy that accumulated itself in my body before I let the anger go and with that the process is truly complete. Now I am free to enjoy whatever I do today and that tightness in the chest is slipping away fast, restoring my sense of well-being and freeing my body of something that would in time upset its balance and may have brought a small illness or other disorder (upset stomach, indigestion or even a headache).

Eternal Hope

There is a way in which every man, woman and child on the planet can have plenty; plenty of love, plenty of money, plenty of food, plenty of good health; in fact, plenty of everything we need to enjoy a good life.

This plenty or abundance emanates from the source of all things and is available to us all, right now. So, why then is there so much suffering, so much poverty, so much starvation? It is this way because we doubt and fear, unwilling to trust in the most powerful force in the universe, the eternal everything that is and never dies. Some call it “God” or “Allah”, some “the One”, “the Source” or “the Universe” but whatever label you use is not important: what counts is the belief that we are and always will be loved, protected and provided for.

This belief is fundamental because without it this force cannot impose its will over our own, both personal and collective, for it has granted us free will. The collective belief now is that poverty is inevitable and abundance for everyone is beyond our reach. This collective expectation, coupled with enforced beliefs in systems of religious faith, of government and of finance, fuels the situation to ensure that we are kept in our place, in the dark, a ‘reality’ perpetuated at the cost of the many for the benefit of the few.

This tragedy of modern existence is but a mirage in an empty space from which anything you want can emerge. So, why have we let this mirage prevail for so long and what may be done to change how things are?

It is easy to say that it is the fault of this and that, but it does not help one bit. All there is to do is to believe that something else is possible and not to let go of that image, that belief, for a minute: a dogged belief in a better world, one without exception, will call it into being, given time and patience. Of that there is no doubt, yet doubt we shall from time to time as we wade through the quagmire of modern life, until the hope that springs eternal finally forces its own way through and brings an end to the saddest time in human history.

The Ides of 2012 are Nearly Upon Us – a New Age of Hope is Nigh!

It is with sincere regret that I foresee a time of great pain, a forthcoming challenge to life on Earth as we know it, though ultimately a positive, liberating experience that gives real hope for mankind and the planet.

We are coming to a point where it is no longer possible to sustain our existing lifestyles any longer. This point of transition will be short and sweet in its outcome, if painful in its delivery. As we approach the time for change, we get closer to each other, feeling our desire for unity in the face of extreme challenge and this will bring us through and out the other side into a time of freedom and respect, of peace and harmony on Earth once more.

For the first time in ages, people will be able to trust one another and find themselves able to follow their intuition in the face of the fear behind most logic. There will be no room for disharmony: rebuilding things will require a focused mind; focus on mutual support, grounded in reality, not ego. For once, we will be free of the burdens of the need for acceptance and control. Instead, we will give freely of ourselves, aware that in doing so we attract to ourselves our every wish and all we could ever need.

It is this plenty, this abundance, that marks the new era; abundance in everything we need. No more rape and pillage of our life-giving planet, just respect and gratitude. There is no need for it to be otherwise even now, but we have lost our way and need to find our true home again, where we can live in harmony with everyone and everything, trusting in nature to support us, free of charge, when we respect her needs too and going with the flow of nature and life itself.

Does all this sound too utopian to be true, a fanciful dream without foundation or real prospect of successful outcome? It is with firm expectation of the forthcoming inspirational changes that I now prepare myself for this new age in trusting faith of its inevitability. I will expect and accept nothing less, since what we have at present is entirely unsustainable and often darn right ugly, unworthy of the true beauty of what it means to live on this beautiful planet, Earth, and to be human when enjoying balance of mind, body and spirit, the definition of true harmony and the hope for global peace in our time.

Shine like a Diamond

All that could have been and all that actually followed before was but one long trail of obstacles designed to bring me to this point, to whatever point one reaches. This trail belongs to me; it is uniquely mine and forever impressed upon my soul. From it emerges a character that chases its tail like a foolish but playful dog until one day it breaks free and what then emerges is the real person, honed and polished in a seemingly endless array of lives and experiences, now ready to sparkle like a well-cut diamond whose light falls all around it. Now it is my turn to shine and shine I will do!

Freedom from within our Desires

People tell me I seem very happy and am always smiling. It is true that I am very happy and smile a lot, though not always since I am only human and have my off moments, moments when I lose focus or am short tempered about something, but nothing lasts for long and the more I practise the things I have learnt in recent years, the quicker I am able to return to that genuinely happy state.

Today I wrote in reply to emails from my father and a new Thai friend and in the course of doing so, my attention was brought to just how very lucky I am, or rather how blessed (since I don’t believe in luck since we make our own luck): I have reached a point where I can see most things for what they really are and am thereby free of the chains we place on ourselves because of our false beliefs about ourselves, our life and our potential.

I saw that this journey of self discovery and fulfilment which some time ago brought me to the realisation that we can be, do and have whatever we desire, has now taken me even further, since many of the things I once desired have little meaning to me: wealth, smart cars, status, an impressive home. It seems I am no longer given or motivated by an attachment to material desires. This extra level of development made me glow inside and showed up when I bought myself a top of the range laptop this week: I became aware that, though it is both beautiful and functionally excellent as well as very useful, it is not as thrilling or satisfying to me as it would once have been. I am delighted to have it and intend using it to great effect, but that addiction to buying “things” to make me feel better has gone altogether as I see material cravings (as opposed to just desires) for the source of suffering that they are. My gratitude is for what it will do for me, not for the having of it for its own sake in order to prove a point.

I can see that though I want a nice looking car, I am most concerned to have something to take me comfortably from point A to point B. I am barely able to muster enthusiasm for a car I once craved: a BMW 650i, even though I know that one day I will be able to own one if I still wish to. My dream home too will be beautiful and an outstanding haven with a superb atmosphere conducive to creativity, set interwoven with nature. This dream thrills me for all that it will bring in terms of peace and relaxation, yet before I would have been more interested in the accumulating equity it held and how I could eventually trade up for something better; I would have enjoyed the status I craved and felt that it brought to me, more than its functional gifts.

How absurd was my life, lost in the maze of modern living, chasing the impossible dream of “happiness one day”! Now I have escaped the maze and am free to enjoy what I have at the time and to enjoy inner peace and contentment, still having dreams that I believe will come true but dreams of things for the right reasons, not to please or impress others but to make life more rich and enjoyable. This is freedom indeed!

Faith in the Elusive Something

Faith, that elusive something we either have or we don’t, seemingly black or white … but it is not; it comes in fluctuating shades of grey, at least for many of us. If you believe in ‘something’ but are not sure quite what, if you feel something is there but you can’t quite put your finger on what, that is still faith and indeed the more one accepts it and works with it, the stronger that elusive something becomes.

Faith is not about adherence to theological doctrines and dogma but about feelings; feelings about what is right for you, feelings of forgiveness, compassion and love. Faith, then, is an enigma, entirely personal and always uplifting. The more we allow ourselves to connect with the object of our faith, with that ‘something’, by being aware of it as we go about our day, the more we are free; free from judgement, hatred, anger and frustration; free from the burdens of our existence. The more we connect with that ‘something’, the more we are: happier, more fulfilled, more loving.

And as I pen these words that started from a free flow of whatever came to mind, my own awareness of that magical ‘something’ has increased and a beautiful, invasive, soothing energy has filled my veins, leaving me glowing, tranquil and somewhat blissful. Faith, it seems, brings increasing peace of mind, inner contentment and the possibility of real self expression and fulfilment. How do I know? Because I feel it: I feel its energy coursing through me, transforming my whole way of being into something altogether happier and more generous or spirit.

That the faith fits in no particular box of this or that religion is not important. For me, I want my faith unfettered, free to be explored at will in my own time through my own experience, not bound by “shoulds” and “ought to’s”. Faith is like a luxurious tailor-made shoe that, once tried on, I can never imagine wanting to take off as it fits me like a glove and makes that log walk on the journey through life so much more effortless and enjoyable. That I cannot quite describe to you what it is for me, that I sometimes forget it for a while as I go about life, makes it no less “faith” and it gets stronger by the day as I see its impact everywhere in my life.

Bliss in the Escape from Negativity

After a relatively good start to the day, it took a bad turn after someone I knew passed by the coffee house where I was sitting, someone whom I had regarded as a good friend when I first met him, yet his friendship has disappointed me no end.

He is a young monk, young enough to be my son, and he befriended me early on in my stay in Chiang Mai, opening some fascinating discussions on Buddhism and spirituality. He seemed genuinely interested in following a meaningful path as a monk and our chats were often engaging. But, since he disclosed to me that he too is gay by nature (albeit that being a monk requires celibacy), his conversation has become frivolous and shallow and, frankly, boring. He is a nice young chap with a naturally flirtatious or playful manner but such things are interesting for a very short time and the chats we had before were far more intellectually stimulating.

What surprised me, however, was how much I let this disappointment bother me. It is true I have few friends here yet and that I was optimistic that I had found one, but the reality is that I don’t enjoy his company any more. Clearly, I should just let it go and, indeed, I had done for many months until he popped in.

Why I mention this in my blog is because of what I noticed about this whole episode: for whatever reason, I allowed someone or something to bother me and in so doing, the upset ate at me, bothering me for ages afterwards until I no longer even saw it as the source of my bad mood. Freedom and bliss seemed distant concepts at this stage.

What is interesting is how the feeling got worse, not better, because I focused on it, on whether I should have a frank conversation with him and, if so, what I should say, giving most of my energy and awareness to this issue. It took hold and ‘infected’ me as I went about my day, making me irritable and unsettled.

In letting it invade my being, I then let it show in other contexts and I found myself being bad temper and critical of people in my mind, such an ugly mood with all this negativity feeding the initial problem until I felt exceedingly uncomfortable. Luckily, I now know that when I find myself irritable and even hypercritical, it is because I am unhappy with myself in some way and I know to look for the real cause. So, later, when I decided to look at why I was feeling so annoyed and fractious, to regain my normally happy state, I realised it was because I had let my frustration at the novice monk take root, negative energy perpetuating negative energy.

Suddenly I could see it for what it was and so I was released, my normal state of contentment soon returning, free and with peace of mind once more. I am, of course, human with flaws but at least I am now blessed to be able to see things for what they really are, rather than ploughing on in distinctly unblissful ignorance of yesteryear!

Just a Vehicle of Experience

As I went for quiet reflection at my usual local temple and consciously thought of the universal consciousness, these words suddenly and effortlessly came to me with no planning or forethought. They speak of the benefits of being able to understand to stand back and observe oneself, all part of the journey of self discovery and self fulfilment, the search for freedom and happiness:

Just a Vehicle of Experience

It is easy to forget that one is a vehicle of experience for the soul and, as such, that our chosen path is merely the means to deliver the requisite experience. If one remembers this always, one can then look upon life with different eyes, ones that gently observe from a distance all the sometimes hilarious mishaps and mistakes one makes in life.

It is this perspective of remote viewing of oneself that allows peaceful progress through life, accepting errors and successes with equal gratitude, for they both point the way forward and help one’s soul reach for the stars.

Now there is no need for fury, envy or reproach; everything is just as it should be to guide one forward in life. Thus it is that life unfolds and eventually ends … until the next time.

“The true measure of strength is the measure of love in difficulty”

These words are profound. They are sent to remind me what true strength and power is: not a denial of emotion, not the use of force or money to overcome, just love.

In a world dominated by ego-related concepts of power and strength it is easy to feel weak in the face of life’s challenges, but when our measure, our ruler if you like, is the extent of our ability to retain love in our heart and thoughts in the face of difficult circumstances or people, we can begin to see a different view of the world and how it could be if we learn to keep our ego in check, in balance with other aspects of our being, mind, body and soul.

“You mean I am strong, not weak, for feeling these things, for forgiving those who have hurt me and still sending them love?!”

It is not a call to accept inappropriate or unacceptable behaviour but to see it for what it is, someone else’s mistaken belief of what is best for them. Sometimes it will mean distancing ourselves from people or situations but with love and forgiveness in our heart. Sadly I have had cause to do this with one or two people and I remain grateful for their contribution to my life in the past and in one case I remain loving and pray for them, but I have chosen to distance myself from them whilst they feel their treatment of me is acceptable.

I find it hard at times as I just want everyone to get on and to be happy together, but in reality not everyone is ready for such things. It all starts within and I cannot change anyone else – frankly, it is none of my business. So all I can do is send them love and wish them well, from the bottom of my heart, and I do.

So, this is true strength. I am so pleased: it feels so much better than those macho concepts that have never inspired or impressed me, that seem so brutal, even animal like, by comparison. To find one's true strength therefore is to fulfil oneself and find that loving kindness and compassion within us all when we are open to it.

All the Doubt

It’s funny how doubt still crops up all the time, doubt mainly about myself, despite all my progress on life’s journey, doubt that used to gnaw at me and even torture me at times. But now I can usually dispel the doubt quickly, so quickly that the scars of the past have almost melted away, leaving me free, happy and with peace of mind.

All of us journey through life, picking up scars from our experiences and it is up to us whether we let them cripple us or simply to add a shade of colour to just part of us. Before I let so much colour my whole life rather than put it in its place, in my past, so I could move on freely and happily.

So, yesterday two things happened to bring up doubt: one, a message from a friend passing on words intended for me as a message from the universe which I was quick to interpret as a telling off or at least a warning to be more loving; the other was when I discovered a website that ostensibly does what my new one will and is on the face of it rather good.

I doubted myself and, in effect, the universe, by these doubts. When I question myself in this why I deny the power of the universal consciousness in everything. But what I am pleased about is that I didn’t let either situation get to me.

In the end, I saw that the message was in fact a compliment to undo the misapprehension I sometimes hold, that I am somehow not strong enough to do the universe’s bidding, the message reminding me that “The true measure of strength is the measure of love in difficulty”, that I am indeed strong in my love in the face of less than loving treatment by others.

As for the website, it was easy: I know I am true to my heart in what I am doing and that is my guidance from the universal consciousness which does not get things wrong. So, with that great faith in my heart, I merely need to trust in the process and it will lead me to where I am destined to travel, to fulfil myself, whether it involves a variation of the theme as the concept develops or simply an unprecedented level of support for the website after it launches, to ensure it reaches many more people than that ostensible competitor.

The result was amazing: instead of a day or maybe even days of being upset and doubting myself, I was calm and trusting and at peace. It is lovely. No more of that self torture, that awful suffering I put myself through. The doubt lasted but seconds or maybe a minute. This is truly amazing and shows I can in time transcend even the most prominent of our negative traits … all this from taking myself on to find my true self and slowly putting the past behind me … all this from my search for happiness and fulfilment.

Welcome Back!

“Be at ease, young man … tomorrow is another day!” These very words that came to me as I sat quietly in meditative communication with the universe last night lifted my somewhat troubled state, unsettled by a day in which seemingly good news nevertheless made me feel less than cheerful since it derived from things that now seem to eat at my core as they are no longer part of me, from the practice of law.

Consigned to a pragmatic stance in the wake of the simple words of comfort, a reminder that this means of living is now but a temporary resort to ‘things of old’ to help bring me ‘things anew’, the new life I am slowly creating for myself, a life that fulfils me and expresses who I am, I can then step back and appreciate the blessings I have received.

And today is indeed another day and as I re-engage with that new life, preparing material for this blog and learning new skills to help me improve it make my dreams come true, my heart lifts and I settle into this role with utter delight. Patience is not only a virtue, it seems, but an absolute must for anyone seriously seeking a better life and hoping to manifest their wildest dreams. So it is that, with mental adjustments that carry the essence of tai chi, I feel the slow yet focused change of perspective slip in, leaving peace and joy in its wake and the vestiges of sadness are cast aside once more and fade into the distance. Welcome back!

There's Always Something to Lift Our Spirit

In a day when I struggled to be with "my old self" in doing some legal work, one thing lifted my spirit and it was this video I found on YouTube, the sound and words of which reminded me of who I am now, of what makes my heart sing and what doesn't!



It's hard to remain negative after listening to and reading something so inspirational. There's always something to lift us out of our darker feelings and return us to a state of inner peace and happiness; a sleeping cat curled up by the fire, a loyal dog's greeting when we come home, the song of a free bird, a cluster of mature trees sharing their energy with anyone and everyone who cares to notice, a shoot of new life from a simple seed or a beautiful blue sky with puff of smoke in ever-changing patterns of natural beauty, the face of a loved one as they tenderly care for a dying bird, the sheer gift of life and its many riches beyond the hardships; in fact, so many things!

The Morrow (the Next Day)

Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Ever unsure, it actually never comes. It is an illusion that is never reality: the only reality is now. When tomorrow comes, it is now and no longer tomorrow so it never exists. As such, it is futile to wrestle with what is not and may indeed never actually become, even when the morrow is now. It is better, therefore, to dwell in a place of “now awareness”, to enjoy the experience of whatever is in the moment, our only true reality.

As I sit here, pen in hand, coffee smells dominate my senses, as well as the heat and humidity of the day and a slight sense of fatigue. Having done some work, I now indulge myself in writing these words and I feel relaxed, happy and free of concerns as a result. The thought and words come from whatever is there now in my mind without reference to the past or the future.

If I let my mind wander, however, it will find mischief, things to perturb me, things from the past or concerns about the future, even something happy in the future. Then I am no longer free to enjoy this exercise, my coffee and the warm day. What a pity that would be! So, better to meet the morrow when it is the now and let past and future remain where they belong so I may relish what I have in hand right now to maximum effect and enjoyment. Such is the source of joy and contentment.

Scar of Gratitude

Each day is different, not quite like before, yet for some it may seem mundane, that every day is the same, and this is because something is missing in life, some sense of fulfilment or joy. If you analyse in detail what you do in a day, you will see that no one day can ever be identical to another. In fact, it is impossible. It is therefore a matter of perspective. This said, where does that leave those who feel their life is mundane, uninspiring or darn right boring?

The answer lies in the search for what’s missing in life, asking yourself what it is you really want, what you would like to be doing if you knew there were no barriers to making it happen. Then ask, what would it take to make it really happen and why am I not doing it already, what is it that stops me, what excuses am I making? Is it the mortgage repayments, the children, the need for a regular income … or is it fear … fear you are not talented enough, young enough, old enough, anything “enough”?

In these questions lies the beginning of an enquiry into life … your life and why it is less than you wish it to be. Is this something you are willing to tolerate any longer? If so, life is likely to remain pretty much the same. Unless you take action to understand yourself and your desires and then act on that understanding, it will probably end in tears … the tears of those you leave behind when you die, lamenting that you never quite managed to find that missing something in your life. Is that how you want it to be? The choice is yours and yours alone: it may not feel like it is but it is all the same.

For me, I could not bear the thought of things carrying on as they were, so I finally did something about it. Admittedly it took a major life event (losing everything I possessed) to kick me into action and to seek self fulfilment and true happiness, but better late than never!

And for me, the actions started with that promise I keep on about: the promise to myself to have the best life I possibly can. And from that have spun a myriad actions that are never-ending yet lead me to an increasingly happier place day by day, a place where challenge is met by joy and fulfilment in the overcoming and frustration is quelled by patience and ultimately to inner peace. But if the journey had never begun, where would I be now, what would I be doing and how would I feel about life? I shudder to think!

What a Difference a Day Makes

Each day is different, not quite like before, yet for some it may seem mundane, that every day is the same, and this is because something is missing in life, some sense of fulfilment or joy. If you analyse in detail what you do in a day, you will see that no one day can ever be identical to another. In fact, it is impossible. It is therefore a matter of perspective. This said, where does that leave those who feel their life is mundane, uninspiring or darn right boring?

The answer lies in the search for what’s missing in life, asking yourself what it is you really want, what you would like to be doing if you knew there were no barriers to making it happen. Then ask, what would it take to make it really happen and why am I not doing it already, what is it that stops me, what excuses am I making? Is it the mortgage repayments, the children, the need for a regular income … or is it fear … fear you are not talented enough, young enough, old enough, anything “enough”?

In these questions lies the beginning of an enquiry into life … your life and why it is less than you wish it to be. Is this something you are willing to tolerate any longer? If so, life is likely to remain pretty much the same. Unless you take action to understand yourself and your desires and then act on that understanding, it will probably end in tears … the tears of those you leave behind when you die, lamenting that you never quite managed to find that missing something in your life. Is that how you want it to be? The choice is yours and yours alone: it may not feel like it is but it is all the same.

For me, I could not bear the thought of things carrying on as they were, so I finally did something about it. Admittedly it took a major life event (losing everything I possessed) to kick me into action and to seek self fulfilment and true happiness, but better late than never!

And for me, the actions started with that promise I keep on about: the promise to myself to have the best life I possibly can. And from that have spun a myriad actions that are never-ending yet lead me to an increasingly happier place day by day, a place where challenge is met by joy and fulfilment in the overcoming and frustration is quelled by patience and ultimately to inner peace. But if the journey had never begun, where would I be now, what would I be doing and how would I feel about life? I shudder to think!

A Promise that Forever Gives Hope

It is with reluctance that I now embrace turmoil from having faced so little opportunity today for mental nourishment, the sort that I get from writing something from my heart without conscious thought or effort. But that is what I am now doing instead, in order to rescue myself from my unsettled state. I always have hope and now that it seems I can tap into the universal consciousness at will, the source of that special something from the heart, I am given hope immediately; hope that I may one day produce something wonderful, something perhaps to help alleviate the enormous amount of suffering in the world as it is today.

I have never completely given up the hope that one day I would find happiness and personal fulfilment, well, not really anyway…yes, there was that desperate time nearly 8 years ago when I willed the universe to swallow me up, that time of desperation as my world fell apart all those years ago, that longing for something that was missing or even for nothing, but that soon passed and in its wake I am left ever optimistic, ever hopeful once more.

I can’t describe precisely what I did to get through that awful time: I suppose I simply took one day at a time. Yet I think that what probably kept me going against all odds was that promise I made to myself to have the best life I possibly can, nothing more, nothing less, to strip away all that I had acquired to find the real me that could find the hitherto elusive happiness and fulfilment. From that came a commitment and then an inner knowing that I could be, do and have everything I want in life, a knowing that came from within, beyond logic or reason. Holding onto that that in the face of all things, I battled through life until one day I was ready to leap from the old world to the new and find the freedom and self expression I longed for and felt I deserved.

So, then, it seems I have found the answer to my uncertainty about what got me through the worst time of my life, that had me feel life was not worth the pain: it is in that promise to myself that lies the source of my redemption and now I am full: full of hope, love, inner peace and contentment… and I am as lucky as anyone alive!

Shaken, Not Stirred!

My day has been slow to start today as I hobble about the place like an old man after my cycling accident last night that left me black and blue all over and a little bloodied, more shocking to the eye at the time than serious in reality. Now it seems to have taken it out of me as I ache all over and feel subdued by the experience.

What was strange about the experience was how I felt and what happened leading up to the accident. I was not particularly tired and hadn’t been drinking and yet just one or two hundred metres before where I crashed I nearly came off my bike while taking a short cut across some coarse open land. I managed to avoid a problem after a bit of a struggle and with hindsight it was as if I was destined to have an accident, come what may; having thwarted one accident I quickly fell into another yet I cannot say I had been particularly shaken by the earlier events. I travel this particular route often and have always felt and been safe and somehow this was different and is somewhat a haze of memory and feelings. I have no idea whether my interpretation of events has any basis in reality but all I know is that it felt odd, strangely inevitable.

I have come to trust that most things in life happen for a reason and if this accident points to anything, it is for me to slow down and take things easy, not to “peddle too fast” in life generally. In the last 2 weeks I have been doing quite a bit of legal work and I sense a need to pause and my accident has certainly forced me to do just that. All there is to do is to go with the flow, to accept the situation and take it easy. Other than the indulgence of writing this blog entry and then briefly helping my partner set up his stall at the famous Chiang Mai Sunday Street Market, I intend taking a dose of whatever takes my fancy, be it listening to music, watching television, meditating or whatever.

Still feeling shaken by my accident, tranquillity feels like the ideal remedy for my condition and the very prospect of it somewhat soothes me. A little loving kindness to myself and some patience regarding my healing will go a long way. After all, tomorrow is another day and I am learning not to force things when I am under the weather as that goes against the flow and flies in the face of good sense, when all else points to slowing down.

An Altered Focus

An Altered Focus

It is funny, you know, for much of my life I worried about money and status, about proving my worth and one obvious outcome of this besides seeking my somewhat prestigious profession (well, at least it used to be!), was the need for material success. But as the years since I lost everything passed by, I saw that there is far more to me than money and slowly my attachment to it has diminished to the point now where my fear of scarcity (of not having enough) has largely vanished, supported for the most part by the ever-reliable support of the universal consciousness.

At this time I am involved in some legal consulting that will fund some important purchases as well as living expenses and I have noticed that my focus is back on money again, buoyed by the thrilling prospect of finally owning a top of the range laptop as part of my commitment to my new creative life and its manifestation in the soon-to-be-launched Sanitara website. Yet, lurking beneath this focus is a distinct discomfort in dwelling so much on money.

Until now, such discomfort was the domain of the fear of scarcity, but this time it feels different; at least as unpleasant but distinctly different. As I reflected on this unsettling feeling just now, I realised that following my heart and building my sense of connection with nature and the universal consciousness is so joyful, so peaceful and so natural that to take away my focus on those things in favour of something altogether more basic and uninspiring feels ugly and no longer familiar or desirable.

It seems I have indeed travelled far on my journey of self discovery, from that little boy of three who decided he was worthless after being slapped for breaking a valuable wedding present and set about proving his worth. And my awareness of this shift today has tears well up in recognition of this dated material focus that eats at the real me when it raises its ugly head. It is not that money or things are inherently bad, undesirable or upsetting but that the focus on them takes me away from the far more enjoyable and satisfying focus on that inner me and its connection with everything.

That one day I hope to have some beautiful things including a wonderful home in nature remains true, yet I will not let that detract from who I am by a focus on money and success, since they otherwise damage the sense of joy and fulfilment I get from my relationship with the universal consciousness which now truly lights my fire and brings joy, bliss as well as infinite hope for the future.

Following my Heart into the Light

It is often the case that we feel less than excited about our lives, especially when circumstances challenge us, yet it is equally true that life can be as exciting and fulfilling as we wish to make it. The key is to be prepared to follow your heart, your passion, your feelings, your inner guide. When you let go and let it lead you to places you want to go, what emerges is a new vigour, a fresh take on life that revitalises the whole of your being.

It is not that long since I started to use this method of guiding myself through life and so far the results have been spectacular, leading me 6,000 miles away from my “known world” of 50 years and all it entailed; career, friends, familiarity and the perception of comfort and safety. For some, such a prospect is daunting and indeed it has been extremely challenging at times, yet trusting more and more in this process, this methodology for guiding oneself through life will always ensure that I win through in the end in the courageous pursuit of happiness and self fulfilment.

For me it has meant that I find myself doing more and more things that please me, that literally fill my heart with joy and bring peace to my world. Change, it seems, is inevitable and we can either embrace it wholeheartedly and ride it for all it is worth or we can sit and silently quiver at the prospect, hiding away in some dark corner that some think is life but I now see as a slow, choking death. For all its challenges, I would sooner die now than revert to my former existence with all its vestiges of success and security the illusion of which so painfully and quickly fell away nearly 8 years ago, leaving only the shell my soul inhabits in this life and my very essence, naked, afraid, blind, yet sure of a distant light that now shines brightly for me and brings me joy virtually every day.

Owning the Darkest Recesses of the Mind

It is time to have some fun, to explore the regions of the mind that are remote and to give them what they need, attention. Though often invisible to us, these remote regions set the pace for much of our growth as humans. I refer to the darkest corners of our mind, where much lies hidden from view: our darkest thoughts and fears and even sometimes hatred.

In these corners lie much of what we deny about ourselves, our “darker side”, the parts we are taught to deny, in fact. It is here where “sin” is born and resides, or rather those aspects of human behaviour that are often seen as sinful, our animal instincts for pleasure and satisfaction, dominance and control. To deny these feelings exist is to deny one’s true self, or at least a part of it, for we are, after all, animals and this aspect of our humanity is important: it feeds us, protects us and leads to procreation. Without it we are incomplete and any attempt at self discovery and fulfilment is nigh on impossible.

So, why deny ourselves a part of who and what we are? Better to face who we are head on and then to make real choices based on what feels right for us (not necessarily what is pleasurable). For example, in an instant of animal attraction lies a choice between fulfilment of that base desire and other things we hold dear such as a commitment to an existing loved one. In that moment we are free to choose. We can either “give in” to our base desires or not. Neither choice is “wrong” of itself in all circumstances: therefore, it is the circumstances that will set what feels right for us.

So, the “sin” is to deny the choice and thereby maybe to feed the hunger; the “sin” is not to be aware of our basic needs and desires. If we make poor choices for ourselves we suffer the consequences and the tool we have to help us make the right choice is our guiding light, our inner feelings of what feels rights for us in the moment, not some imaginary universal rule book that limits our choices and judges what we sometimes appropriately want to be “wrong”. Deny the desires and we are prevented from being free to make informed choices and the buried or denied feelings lie there gnawing at us.

So, next time a “bad thought” or “base desire” comes to mind, own it. Admit your feelings and desires. There is no need to wrestle with those thoughts. Cast them aside if you are clear in your choice or, if in doubt, apply the litmus test of what feels right, then make a clear choice as an adult enjoying true freedom, not as an overgrown child mollycoddled and imprisoned by other people’s rules.

The First Seed of Faith

There is little to do about things when all faith is lost. It takes great faith to move mountains, it is true, but when one does has faith, anything becomes possible. By “faith” I refer to faith in the force behind everything, “the universal consciousness” as I call it, the natural intelligence that exists within everything, animate or inanimate.

This force makes anything possible if you hold the belief in the face of every opposition or challenge. It is this faith that now sustains me and gives me great hope for life, for me and for others who share this awareness and faith. It is decidedly not a religious faith because for me it is something beyond the tenets of individual religions, yet it unites them all in its essence.

I have known periods of doubt, of faithlessness, for many years yet I now have an armoury of tools of faith that I have acquired through repeated experience of its benevolence since opening my heart and mind to the possibility of its existence in the search for what was missing in my life. There is no longer much that perturbs me for very long as a result. Soon fears are swept aside by a tidal wave of faith and trust in that loving force that sits behind everything and always acts in my best interests.

I don’t know how or why I began to believe in this force. It probably dates back to an earlier time in my life when I meditated regularly and one day I was walking in the neighbourhood after a meditation and I suddenly felt at one with everything around me for just a split second. At that moment I felt I was part of everything and that brought to mind an awareness of something I cannot really put into words, a sort of collective presence which I now know as the universal consciousness.

It was many years later that I really opened my eyes to it but that point, I suspect, was the beginning for me. Once I opened my heart to the possibility of it, I began to see signs of it everywhere until eventually I felt its infinite love and benevolence. Now I feel it was almost a pity if not foolish to have doubted it, such is the strength of my faith and trust in this unspeakably awesome force of nature, yet I am only human and it is easy to miss all those signs in one’s struggle to navigate the torrents of life. I am so glad I am now awake to it and therefore able to experience peace and joy almost all the time.