Here I am, one day on from uploading my first video and I’ve done a Maitland on me: hypercritical and unhappy with it after the event, yet I liked the presentation and layout, the technical additions, etc. This is very typical of me, a me born of feeling very criticised and what we see others do we copy as a young child. Decades of habit are hard to break. The only thing is that these recent years of self discovery have brought me to a place where I can see immediately that this is a reaction to the past and is not real or fair. The next step is to remember who I really am: anything I want to be, empowered at all times when I remember the loving power of the universal consciousness within us all. Even saying that as I type has me relax and let go of the tense muscle of self-criticism.
In fact, I now feel fine. I looked at an informal video I took whilst half dressed in my room alone last night: I am relaxed, “me”, with no frills, as I ponder what the next video will cover and I really like it. Sure, it meanders and I waffle but it is from the heart, untouched by concerns about how good I am or how effective the video will be. The “drama” of the expectations around a more formal video are what I let get int he way of being myself, the fear of not being good enough, the desire to attain perfection.
A friend emailed me this morning about yesterday’s video, cautioning me against excessive self criticism and he is right. I can never attain perfection, so at what point can I just be pleased with myself, warts n’ all? Put another way, when will I simply love myself as I am? I think the answer lies in the being a journey and not a destination: corny though that may sound, it is true and the destination thing carries expectations whereas the journey perspective is liberating and allows for going off track yet still largely following the overall direction for the travels of life.
So, as I plan the 2nd video in the series and even contemplate re-doing the first, I see that I have learned so much in just one week from deciding I would start producing videos to having the first one on the internet! The sheer speed of it alone should show me there is achievement if I would but step back from the criticism and pat myself on the back for a change. I feel I am both the tortured and the torturer: the poor little hurt and tortured boy and the overbearing torturer who is never satisfied with the answers his victim gives, nor with himself, all in a vicious circle that transcends lifetimes.
As I feel the pain of both torture victim and torturer, I send them both love and reassurance in readiness for my next step towards my goal of producing great videos that will eventually touch peoples hearts and lives. This loving kindness towards myself softens my heart and prepares me for the day ahead, for the planning and execution of my next attempt.
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